


Death and Renewal

by StormyBear30



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:29:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all about the death and renewal of life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death and Renewal

"And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…I will fear no evil…” The preacher droned on as a group of tearful mourners stood around the casket of my dead mother. It was still hard for me to believe that she was dead…but what was even harder for me to believe was the drama show that Justin was putting on for the whole world to see. It was surely one of the best dramatic scenes that I had witnessed in a long time as he wailed like a banshee…clinging onto Brian as if for dear life. It was a sight to behold as I curbed the urge to begin clapping in regards to his brilliant performance…but I quickly found that he was far from done. “Debbie was a good person. She was known for him quick wit and her infamous smile…but what she was mainly known for was her compassion. There wasn’t a person on gods earth that she would not…” And then he took it up another notch…by letting out one hell of a girlish wail before fainting to the ground before us. In an instant the loving service being given for my loving mother came to a halt…as each and every one of our friends and family members rushed to his aid.

I was disgusted and distraught as I watched the scene continue to play out before me…Brian taking the lead as he literally lifted the little asshole off of the ground…carrying him to the waiting limo. One by one they left me all alone…as I huddled before the casket of the women who had given me life. She was the women that kept me grounded…but never once stopped me from reaching for my goals. I had never felt so alone in my life…never felt as empty as I laid my hands upon the glossy surface unable to take the necessary steps to leave the women who was my every thing. “I love you Ma…” I whispered as my head joined my hands. “I love you and I miss you so much…but don’t worry about me ok” I sobbed…tears rolling down my icy cheeks before landing on the hardness of the wood. “I’m going to be just fine. I just don’t know how I can live my life without you in it…but I will do what I have to do to make you proud of me. I haven’t made my decision yet…but I’m close. You are the only one besides Hunter that knows about it and I know that I never told you this before…but I think that you always knew that you were my rock…my savior. Everyone thinks that it is Brian…but it’s always been you that I’ve turned to…you that I’ve gone to with everything…especially everything relating to Brian. I am going to miss you so much mom…but you will always be in my heart forever. I love you” my words of pure love and adoration continued as I placed a simple kiss upon the box that would take my mother way from me permanently.

“Mikey…we need to wrap this up” I heard Brian say behind me as I lifted my head in order to turn and face him. “Justin is not handling this well and he needs to be taken home.

I wanted to scream…wanted to fall forward as I beat the living shit out of the man who was trying to rush the last moments I was to spend with my dead mother. I wanted to fall to his feet…latching myself onto his legs as I lost what was left of my sanity. I fought the urge to abuse him verbally for not being there for me like he was being there for Justin…but I did and I said nothing. Instead I just nodded…forcing away my tears as I turned to face the casket once again. “Bye Ma…you’re with Uncle Vic now. Be happy…I love you” I turned to fall into the arms of the man who had been there for me from the time we had met over twenty years ago…only to find him literally racing back towards his ex-lover. Another crushing bout of sadness consumed me as with one final look I left the women that I need more at that time then I had ever needed her before.

The ride to my mothers home was quite the experience as well as Justin continued with his dramatics. He was draped all over Brian as he sobbed uncontrollably…muttered words into his ear that none of the rest of us could hear…before once again passing out. Not once during the entire care ride did Brian look at me…much less talk to me as he focused all his energy on Justin. I was as close to the edge of falling apart as possible…but I held strong for I knew that I had to be…at least for the time being. I had to be strong for Hunter…who didn’t understand that in a course of three years why he had lost a Great Uncle…his Foster Father and now the woman that he called Grandma. I had to be there for my daughter whom was just barely two and like her big brother confused about where her crazy Nana had gone too. I wanted to be a huge drama queen like Justin…but I held it together for I knew that later that night…after all who loved my mother had gone…I would be able to lose myself in the arms of the man that I loved with my entire being.

“Can you believe this shit?” I heard Hunter speak not so quietly beside me as I held onto his hand for support. “Can you believe the way that he acted at the cemetery?” his words continued to get louder as he shifted himself forward in the seat…staring evilly at the person sitting in the seat before him. “It wasn’t even your fucking Mother and you acted like she was the most important person in your life. That was Michael’s Mother…my Grandmother…not yours” his screams got louder as I wrapped him in my arms and crushed him to my chest. “Why does everyone keep dying Michael…why?” he questioned into my chest as I closed my eyes and once again fought the demons threatening to consume me.

“I don’t know Hunter” I soothed…kissing him on the top of the head as I pulled him deeper into my embrace because I needed to feel him just as much as he needed to feel me. “But…she’s in a better place now. She’s with Uncle Vic and Ben…who will make sure to keep her in line” I chuckled softly…looking across the top of his head at a silent Brain…who held an almost hysterical Justin within his own arms. My laughter immediately ceased at the look of pure anger and upset that I was greeted with. I didn’t know where it was coming from…but as I continued to gaze at him…there was no denying that it was fully intended for me. “I love you Hunter” I whispered against my son’s ear…closing my eyes at I tried to push that look of anger out of my mind.

“I love you too pop” he repeated back to me…trying to control the sobs that were trying to inhabit him. A small smile played across my lips because no matter how many times he called me by that endearment I still could not get used to it. Moments later we arrived at the house already packed with condolence wishing people…some of whom I had no idea who they were.

An hour later I was completely and emotionally spent. My voice was raw from speaking to the hoards of people coming to pay respects to the women who in one way or another had made a difference in their lives. If I had to hear one more story…thank one more person for their words of loving concern I was going to lose it. Brian and Justin were no where to be found and despite the fact that I tried to ignore it…I couldn’t help but wonder where it was that they were and what they might be doing.

One by one the mourners left…until it was just a select few left. Turning from the window I had been staring out of…I turned to face the two women who were the mothers of my daughter as they flittered around the kitchen cleaning up the huge mess. It was still amazing to me that we were share a living…breathing beauty…which made it all that much harder to come up with the decision that was going to change all of our lives once I had. Ted and Emmett sat huddled on the couch…trying to keep them selves together…but failing miserable. It had been several years since Ted’s drug use and his betrayal of Emmett…but any fool could see that little by little they were rebuilding what was once lost.

“You ok?” I heard Brian’s son ask me as he came up and stood at the window beside me.

“I’m about as good as can be expected” I replied…placing my hand upon his shoulder as I gave him a small smile of acknowledgment. It was really amazing to me that despite the fact that Gus was not my biological child…we could not have been closer then a normal father and son. I loved Gus as my own…treated him as if he were my own and there was no denying the love that held for me as well.

“Love you…Uncle Michael” he went on…taking my hand into his own as he tugged me down to his level. “And if you want to be sad…you can be sad with me. I promise to never let go of your hand” he vowed…much to wise for his years as I pulled him into my arms and finally allowed a few stray tears to trail down my face.

“I love you too Gus” I whispered against his chubby cheek…kissing it tenderly before Melanie came over to retrieve him. She didn’t say a word…but the look that she shared with me told me everything that I needed to know. They loved me and they would be there for me as long as I needed them to. Giving her a small smile…I decided to take a breather as I escaped to the sanctuary of my old room. I just needed a few minutes alone to gather my thoughts…to compose myself again before I lost the thin veil that was holding me together.

I should have known what the two of them were up to…should have known that as usual they were up to their same sexual games…but I had let my guard down. I couldn’t help the extreme shock and anger that overtook me as I slowly opened the door to my room and found Justin on his knees nursing Brian’s cock in h is mouth. At first I was too stunned to do much of anything but stand there with my mouth hanging open…but soon the anger took control and all hell broke lose. “What the fuck” I cried out as I burst into the room…forcing them to halt all action as they scurried for their discarded clothing.

“Mikey…” I heard Brian cry out in complete surprise as he pushed Justin away from him before making his way over to me.

“Don’t you fucking touch me” I yelled in return as I pushed him away…working my way deeper into the room that was once Justin’s room as well. “That’s it Justin” my screams got louder. “I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to pretend like I like you…because truth be told I can barely tolerate you. There is no one left to force me to put up with you and your shit…so get the fuck out” I knew that it was harsh…knew that I was going to get a backlash…but I didn’t care. My mother was my last link of having to deal with Justin and his ways…and now that she was gone I would not have to pretend for her any longer. “I said get the fuck out” I repeated my earlier words as I grabbed onto his arm and jerked his stunned frame from where he had moved to sit on the bed. “This is my house now. My mother isn’t here to coddle you and I say get the fuck out”

“Mikey…calm down” I heard Brian yell beside me as he grabbed onto my arms…trying to bring me towards his body. How I wanted to fall into those arms…burrow into the place that had become my safe haven for so long…but as images of he and Justin hit me again…I found that I could not.

“No…I won’t calm the fuck down” I screamed out in rejection…moving as far away from him as I could. “This is my fucking house now and I say he goes. He goes Brian…I want you to stay…I need you to stay…but I want him gone” I spoke truthfully as I fell into the desk chair behind me. “I mean it Brian…I want him gone”

It was at that time that everyone from downstairs joined us. Gasps of anger and un-surprise echoed around me as one by one they gathered in the small room. “Well isn’t this a huge surprise. Brian Kinney not being able to keep it in his pants during his best friends time of need” I heard Melanie scream as she ran over to where I sat stunned…hurt and utterly broken.

“Michael…are you ok?” I heard her ask as she placed her hand tenderly upon my cheek.

“Make them leave” was all I could say as I gazed over her shoulder as she knelt before me. “I just need to be alone now” She didn’t say a word as she rose to her feet…shoving the guilty two out into the hallway and out of my sight as she gave them a personal tongue lashing.

“Lindsey…” I whispered her name as she made her way over to me…taking the place of her wife as she knelt before me. “Hunter…” I tried to speak…but was finding it increasingly difficult to do such a medial task.

“Don’t worry Michael…he can stay with us for as long as you need him to” she spoke…answering the question that I just didn’t’ have the energy to ask. Nodding in thanks…I accepted the hug that she offered me before taking her leave. “Come on Hunter…” I heard her speak to my son as she took him by the arm and attempted to lead him away.

“No…” he cried out…rushing over to me as I jerked my frame from off of the chair…catching him as he fell into my arms. “I don’t want to leave you…Dad” he rushed out…tears wetting my shirt as I continued to hold him. “You need me and I want to be there for you”

“Oh Hunter…” I cried out…pushing him far enough away from me so he could read my face. “You have been there for me. You’ve been there for me every time that I have needed you and I love you so much for it. But tonight…tonight I need to be alone. I have a lot of decisions to make…decision that will affect the two of us” I spoke truthfully…for he knew that my decision was something that I had been holding off on for as long as possible.

“I can help you and…” he tried to speak…but I cut him off with a quick and loving kiss upon his lips

“I just need tonight” I begged…pulling him back into my arms. “Tomorrow morning I will come and pick you up from Mel and Linds and we will discuss everything that I have decided. Just give me tonight” I asked again…smiling softly when he nodded in response. “I love you Hunter…” I assured him…kissing him once again before Lindsey came up behind him and led him away.

“Call us if you need anything” I heard her call over her shoulder as they left me alone with my thoughts and my over burdening emotions. It was strange…but for the first time since my mother had died a little less then a week ago…I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself as I finished cleaning up what was left of the mess…putting everything away before going in search of something else to do. Finding nothing…I moved to the living room as images of happier days began to assault me. I could still remember the day that we moved in…as I fell to the middle of the floor. I was six years old…but I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember how excited my mother was to finally own something that she could call her own. I could recall how excited I was to have a room that was double the size of my old one. There were so many memories…some good…some not so good. I could still remember the first day that I brought my new best friend over…and how embarrassed I was at all the gaudy knick knacks that my mother had accumulated over the years. I thought back to the time when I met my Uncle Vic for the first time…and just how frightened I was to learn that not only was he gay…but that he was HIV positive as well. I remembered it all…every little thing that meant something to me…and then I lost it completely.

The tears started out slowly…but soon it erupted into full blown howls of pain that echoed through the all to quiet house. I didn’t even hear him come in…only felt his arms as they wrapped around my waist from behind. I didn’t say a word as he pulled me between his legs…laying his head upon my shoulder as he allowed me to continue with my blight. I had never cried as much as I did that night. I was completely and fully over whelmed as I recalled the other two important people in my life as well. Uncle Vic had been gone for almost three years and Ben had only died the previous summer. I was lost in a sea of pure pain and despite the fact that he was holding me…I never felt more alone in my entire life.

I still don’t know how he did it for I have no memory…but I somehow ended up with him laying in my old bed. I wanted to push him away…wanted to bolt from the scene of the crime…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move one single muscle…not a fucking one as I continued to lie there like a limp rag doll. I just wanted to close my eyes and forget about everything and everyone just for a short time…but I knew that I could not. There were issues to discuss…decisions to be made and something told me that if I didn’t say what needed to be said at the very moment of time…then I was going to lose my chances forever. “How could you Brian?” I questioned sadly…my throat literally aching from the amount of pain the consumed me. “How could you do that today of all days. I needed you and you weren’t there for me. Instead I find you getting your dick sucked by what I thought was your ex-lover” I knew that he could hear the betrayed hurt in my voice…knew that it was hurting him…but I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to know just how much his abandonment had crushed me and his carelessness as well. “You’ve hurt me a lot in the past Brian…but I think that today is worse then any of the others” He didn’t say anything for long moments of time and with each tick of the clock my nerves became more raw…more electric. “Fucking say something” I screamed…finally getting enough of a burst of energy to move away from him.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked…pulling himself upright as he lay against the headboard of the bed we had shared many a night in while growing up.

“What do I want you to say?” I repeated back in complete shock and increased anger. “I want you to fucking tell me that you are sorry. I want you to tell me that everything will be alright…because I feel as if my world is falling apart” I continued to scream…tears blazing down my face as I turned to look at him. “I want you to tell me that it’s over between you and Justin for good…because I can’t bare to see the two of your together one minute longer. Tell me that you love me Brian…and mean it because I need to know that you still do” I was barely hanging onto what was left of my control…but I lost it all when he spoke his next words.

“Don’t be such a drama princess Michael” his words sounded cold and unfeeling…and took me by complete surprise. I knew that they shouldn’t have…known that it was typical Brian but it bowled me over just the same. I was literally gasping for air as I struggled to remove myself from the bed…for I needed to be as far away from him as possible. For a few short moments I just stood at the window…my back to him as I tried to pull myself together. I knew right then and there that it was now or never…that if I didn’t say what I had to say that it could never be said. Taking a deep breath I turned to the one who owned my heart and my soul and had from the moment he had met me and began.

“You’re right Brian…I shouldn’t be acting like a drama princess…since Justin did enough of that today for the both of us” I bit out…mentally kicking myself for saying it…instead of what I really wanted to say.

“Don’t start Michael” he spoke with warning as he too removed himself from off of the bed and began to pace the small room…obviously irritated. “He was upset” he continued to defend that little fucker. “He lost someone very close to him. How the hell did you expect him to react?” I tried to control it…but I quickly lost the battle as hysterical laughter began to seep from my throat.

“Oh forgive me Brian…for not understanding. What was I thinking?” I mocked as I slapped my head in an attempt to show just how fucking stupid that statement was. “I mean it wasn’t my mother that we buried today. It wasn’t the women that gave me life. I forgot that she took in the little asshole when you wanted nothing to do with him. So…I guess your right…he had every reason to act like he was vying for best dramatic actress” I could not believe the gall that he had to throw those words at me…couldn’t believe that he was not affected by the women who took him in and basically made him one of her own when he was younger.

“Michael…you’re upset and I think…”

“Hell yes I am upset” I cut him off…staring directly into his eyes. “I’m upset that the women that I love…who has been there for me whenever I have needed her is gone. I am upset that your boy toy put on a very inappropriate drama festival. I am upset that my son only had the chance to know his grandmother for such a short time. I am upset because my daughter will never know just how loving and wonderful she was. I am upset because I had to go through this all alone…because the one person that I expected to be there for me when I fell apart was too busy getting his dick sucked. However…Brian…what I am upset about the most is the fact that in less then two weeks I will be leaving Pittsburgh and you will never know just how much you mean to me…how much I love you” I cried out…tears continuing to flow down my face because I was once again on the verge of losing it.

“What are you talking about?” he asked and I could tell that his patience with me was just about blown. “You’re not leaving the Pitt’s. It’s your home…the place where you were born. It’ the…”

“It is my home and it is the place where I was born…but I can’t stay here anymore. It’s time for me to move on…time for me to make a fresh start…take my life in a different direction and I want you to come with me. We can start over together…as friends or more and I want more Brian…I want so much more” I spoke truthfully…forgetting about all the heartache and pain for the moment as I summonsed up all my courage and began to speak again. “I have been in love with you from the moment that I laid eyes on your all those years ago and I have waited in the shadows for you to realize your love for me as well. But…I won’t wait any longer…I can’t” Don’t answer me now Brian” I cut him off before he had a chance to reply. “Just think about it and give me your answer when you are ready. Just know that once I sell the house and get everything in order I will be gone…with or without you” He didn’t say anything after that…just nodded his head in agreement and then once again left me alone

It was a couple of days before I saw Brian again and that time was at the reading of the will. Once again I was fighting to keep it together as Justin put on another dramatic performance good enough to be considered for another Emmy nomination. Brian hadn’t said a word to me the entire time that we sat there waiting for Melanie to get my mother’s affairs in order. It was nearly crushing to know that even after everything that I had lost the one person I could usually depend on was purposely keeping his distance from me.

“First I want to thank everyone for coming” I heard Melanie speak as she entered the boardroom surrounded by my closet friends and family. “Before she died Deb made a video that she wanted me to show to everyone before we get to the reading of the will” A slight rise of laughter erupted from the room as Mel put in the VHS tape and the image of my mother popped up on the screen. She was dressed in typical Debbie Novotny garb with that same beautiful smile that could light up any room.

“Well I guess if you are watching this video then I must be dead” she started to speak as my tears started to flow. “However…don’t cry for me because finally after all these years I am back where I belong…right beside my brother Vic” she laughed…sending the tear factor up another notch. “But getting back to the reason for this tape” she laughed again before continuing. “First off I want to thank each and everyone of you that is in this room for bringing such love and joy into my life. Starting first with my only son Michael. Baby…I could have never asked for a better son in my life. From the moment that you were born you brought such light into my life and you have never ceased to amaze me with your big kind heart. Daily I would thank the good lord above for allowing me the pleasure of watching you grow into the man that you are today. I am so fucking proud of you Michael and all that you have accomplished. I want you to know that I will love you forever and I will always be with you. I love you baby” I couldn’t stop the flow of tears that poured silently down my face as I continued to stare at her image.

“You were such a lucky man Michael” I heard Emmett whisper against my ear as he placed his arm around me. “Damn lucky” he said again…his voice breaking as he tried to keep it together. I couldn’t speak…but I gave him a nod in reply as I leaned into his touch while we continued to watch the video.

“Teddy and Emmett…I will have to admit when Michael introduced the two of you as his friends that first time…I thought to myself what the hell do these three have in common. An uptight accountant and a southern Nelly queen” laughter erupted throughout the room…only outdone by Emmett’s not so quiet sobs. “But…as usual my Michael knew what he was doing when he picked you two to be his friends. You both are like sons to me and don’t think I don’t know how much you have done for this rag tag family throughout the years…because I do and I love you both for it”

“Seems I was lucky too” Emmett laughed sadly…wiping at his tears with a tissue that Ted had placed in his hands. “We all were” Placing a small kiss upon Emmett’s check I watched as Ted took his hand and together they walked towards the other side of the room.

“Melanie and Lindsey…” the tape played on. “You both are the daughters that I never had and always wanted. Thank you…thank you…from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for our family. However and most importantly…thank you for allowing me to be part of Gus’s life and giving me the most beautiful granddaughter in the entire world. Gus and Jenny…you have no idea how much your grandma loves you and how much I wish that I could be there to see your grow up. Just remember that even though I may not be there in person…that I will forever be deep within your hearts” I watched as Melanie tried to keep her cool lawyer composer…but failed miserable when our daughter ran into her arms…wrapping her chubby arms around her neck before planting a wet kiss upon her cheek.

“No cry momma” she spoke loudly for everyone to hear. “Grammy says that she live in Gus’s and my heart. I share her with you” I watched as she placed her hand atop her mother’s heart before wrapping her arms around her neck once again. The tear factor went up another notch as Melanie looked over and me and gave me a proud smile at how loving our daughter had become in part to her loving grandma.

“Hunter…” our attention was brought back to the scene playing out before us. “Oh Hunter…I think that I am the proudest of you of all. I remember the first day that I met you and I knew that you were going to be trouble for all of us. You didn’t disappoint me you little shit…not at first. But now…I am amazed everyday at the beautiful man that you have become. With the help of Michael and Ben you picked yourself out of the gutter…hosed yourself off and have become a prominent member of society. I love you kid…and I am proud to have you as my grandson” Placing my hand upon my son’s shoulder I gave it a loving squeeze…because I knew that Hunter still sometimes felt like an outsider in our band of misfits. “I have a small trust fund for each of the kids at the Liberty Bank. I know it’s not much…and I wish that it were more…but I want to contribute to their future. Melanie has all the boring details that you can go over later”

Once again sad laughter echoed throughout the room. “Justin…” I felt every muscle in my body tighten at that name. I wanted to jump up and fast forward well past that part…but I knew that I could not put on a show like that. However…as expected Justin put on another one of his grand shows as he fell into Brian’s arms…hanging all over him as he displayed major waterworks.

“It’s ok pop…” I heard Hunter whisper…leaning into my shoulder as I slide sideways and pulled him into my embrace. Kissing him upon his head I gave him as much as a smile as I could muster before I nodded back towards the TV screen.

“You’ve been through so much Justin…so much that a young man your age should never have to go though…yet you weathered it like a champ. You are my Sunshine…my baby boy and you will always be” I had to fight the urge to vomit as he let out another one of his patient girlie screams as he clutched even tighter to Brian. “I love you Sunshine and I am leaving you the house” I heard the gasps throughout the room as I began to chuckle to myself…shaking my head as my laughter continued because even in death Justin was the one who got the better between the two of us…or so I thought. “Michael…honey…” I heard my mother continue to speak. “Oh baby…don’t think that I love you any less because I gave Justin the house. You were meant for bigger and better things and far away from Pittsburgh. You never did tell me what your decision was…but I already know and that is why I did what I did. Justin will need a place to stay if what I expect to happen happens”

“What decision…what is she talking about?” I heard Emmett scream out from the back of the room as Melanie stopped the tape from playing on. “Far away from the Pitts?? Michael what the hell is she talking about” his cries went on getting louder and louder with each one.

“Emmett…I am sure that Michael will answer all of our questions once we are done watching this” Melanie spoke up…giving me a look that said that this discussion was far from over. Pulling my eyes away from her own…I directed my line of vision over towards Brian who was staring at me with such anger in his eyes. I knew that look…it was you are backing me into a corner look and lord knew what you were going to get when that happened.

“And last…but never least…Brian…” we heard as Mel started the tape again. Immediately all eyes locked back onto the screen in anticipation of what my mother was about to say. “Brian…Brian…Brian…” she laughed chanting his name. “I remember the first time that I heard you name come springing out of Michael’s mouth. He couldn’t stop talking about the new cool kid at school. It was Brian Kinney this…and Brian Kinney that and the first time that I laid eyes on you I knew that you were going to be trouble for my kid” she went on with the story that we had heard time and time again. “Yeah…I knew you were going to be trouble…but I also knew just by looking at you how much you cared for my kid. You were exactly what he needed in his life at that time and I think that you needed him just as badly. Lord I could have killed you for all the shit that you dragged him into…all the trouble that you two were constantly plotting…but at the same time I realized that I love you just as my own. Do you hear that you little shit…I love you” she laughed…tears misting her smiling eyes. “And even though I hate to admit it…I have to give you credit for turning Michael into the strong and beautiful man that he is today. Michael will kill me for saying this…but hell who are we kidding we all know it anyways…but Michael loves you Brian. He’s been in love with you practically from the first moment that he met you…and I know that you love him too…despite the fact that you were never man enough to tell him or do anything about it” Our eyes locked for an instant across the long boardroom table…and I could swear that I could read the truth finally in Brian’s eyes…but then he was dealing with another outburst from Justin and the moment was ruined forever. “You two belong together Brian” she went on…dabbing at her tears as she did. “And shit…I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry…but seems like that promise is long gone. “Love him Brian…let him love you in return and when he asks you what I know he already has…don’t turn him away. Well that’s all folks” her laughter got louder as she walked closer to the camera. “Except that I love you all more then you can ever know and I will miss you all desperately. Bye babies…” and with that said she blew a kiss to the camera and then the screen went black.

“She thinks that you are moving to California with Michael” Justin cried out…laughing hysterically as he pushed away from Brian…leaning on the table instead for support. “Oh that is rich” his laughter continued as he stared over at me. “I get the house you grew up in and you get nothing…not even Brian because he is staying with me. He doesn’t care about you anymore. You’re his past and I am his future. So you better fucking get used to it”

“Justin…” Brian bit out…grabbing him by the arm as he jerked him over to where he was standing. “This is not the time or the place”

“No…I think it is the time and the place” I cut in…standing up as I turned to face all the stunned faces. “I didn’t want to do this like this…but it seems that once again Justin has forced my hand. So here goes” I said taking a deep breath as I began to wring my hands together nervously. I didn’t know how they were going to react…but I knew that it wasn’t going to be all sunshine and roses that was for sure. “As you all know Bret Keller is turning “Rage” into a movie that will be out sometime next summer. However…what I didn’t tell you was that they also want to make it into a television series…or a cartoon rather and he wants me to be the head writer for it”

“How…how long have you known about this?” I heard Ted ask as he and Emmett sat huddled together on the couch at the end of the room. I could tell that Emmett was well past upset as he tried to talk…but for once was rendered speechless.

“I’ve actually known about it for about six months now” I replied…glad to finally have the truth out there.

“And your just letting us know about this now” Emmett spoke up finally able to find his voice.

“Em…it was an offer that just came out of the blue. It happened when I went to California to meet with the “Rage” people out there. Bret and I had been talking about it but he told me not to get my hopes up. He said that the producers always like to talk like things are going to happen all the time…but that they rarely went through with it. That’s why I was shocked when he called me out of the blue a few months later and told me that he had re-pitched the idea and the network “Showtime” wanted to pick it up”

“Showtime…oh I love that network” Emmett…as per the norm changed moods in an instant and began to jump up and down giddily. “They play my favorite show “Gay as Blazes”

“Em…focus” I heard Ted scold him…forcing him to sit down beside him. “So you have to move to California…you can’t do it right here in Pittsburgh” Ted asked…staring at me with eyes so full of betrayal and sadness.

“No…everything is done right there in the studio and the truth of the matter is that I want to go” The noise level reached a fever pitch as everyone…excluding Brian got in on the action. I knew that they would be upset. I just never realized how much so until that very day. I tried to speak…tried to explain to them just how much this meant to me…but they weren’t listening. That was however…until Brian finally spoke up. I knew by the look in on his face that he had no intentions of coming with me to California…but I kept my upset to myself and listened anyway.

“Leave him the fuck alone” he yelled above the voices of the crowd…forcing Justin to sit in a nearby chair as he went on. “A lot has happened to Michael in the last few months…some good and some bad and if he needs to move to the other end of the country to get some peace then I say let him” The look he shot me was ugly and unfair as the noise level rose another degree. Soon it was everyone arguing with everyone and no one giving two shits how it affected me of my family. Grabbing Hunter by the hand…I nodded towards the door silently…needing to be as far away from Brian and them as possible. They didn’t even know that I was gone until much later but by then I was well past caring. I had made my decision and nothing was going to change my mind. The phone at my apartment rang almost the entire night…until fed up and needing some peace I took it off the hook. When I got up the next morning and checked my voice mail it was filled to capacity. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say as I erased every last one of them before getting dressed for breakfast. I knew that I had a lot of work to do that day and no time for bull shited sentiment.

By the end of the day Hunter and I were exhausted as we fell onto the couch for a much needed rest. “How about we order a pizza and call it an early night” I spoke…breaking the silence that was surrounding us. For me it was as if I was in some sort of unbelievable dream and I knew that it had to be ten times worse for Hunter. “You want to talk about it?” I asked as I sat back down on the couch moments later after ordering our dinner. “You know that you can talk to me about everything”

He didn’t say anything for a long while…just stared at the wall before us but when he did I knew just how much everything was affecting him. “I’m scared pop” he spoke softly…chewing on his bottom lip before continuing. “I mean Liberty Avenue has been all that I’ve known…all that you’ve known and now we’re just leaving it behind. What’s going to happen to us once we’re out there in California? We won’t have Ted…Emmett…the girls or even the kids around anymore. Who will we hang out with…who will love us the way that they love us?”

“You don’t want to go now?” I asked in almost a whisper…my heart breaking at the idea that he might have changed his mind and decided to stay. I knew that I wouldn’t have a problem finding him a place to stay with any of my friend and family…if I had any left after just leaving the day before. “Because…it’s ok if you don’t. I am sure that Mel and Linds would let you stay with them…or Ted or Emmett”

“I don’t know what I want” was his truthful reply as he sank into the cushions of the couch in defeat. “I mean it’s all happening so fucking fast”

“I know sport…but that’s the way that life is sometimes. You either have to grab on with both hands and hang of for dear life…or you can hang back and let life pass you by. I don’t want life to pass us by anymore Hunter. It’s like since Ben died I’ve been just watching the world pass by and me not being a part of it. I love you son and I want you to come with me so together we can start fresh…but like I said if you decide not to it won’t change how I feel about you. I will always love you…always support you because we are family”

“I love you too dad and I want to go with you” he cried out…rushing into my arms as together we cried for all that we had lost in a short span of a few years. “What about Brian?” he asked moments later as we just lay there in exhausted silence.

“Brian made his decision” I sighed…pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to control my over spiraling emotions.

“Did you ask him to come with you? Did you tell him that you love him?” he threw question after question at me…as the dull throb of headache began to grow.

“I asked him and I told him…he decided to stay with Justin” I replied…cursing myself for allowing a few stray tears to leak from my eyes.

“Fucking asshole” was his sharp cry as he jumped off the couch…standing tall before me. “I can’t believe that he did that to you. Even after everything that the two of you have meant to each other…how could he do that to you? What the fuck does that bare chested cootie have that you don’t have?” his rantings continued…causing me to laugh despite my pain at the funny nickname he had pegged Justin with. “I’m sorry Michael…but the fact of the matter is that Brian Kinney doesn’t deserve you”

“Thank you Hunter” my laughter died on my lips as the sound of the doorbell saved me from losing it once again. “That must be the pizza…go wash up and I will get everything ready” With a nod…he did my bidding as I walked over to the door and opened it. “What do I owe you?” I asked…not bothering to look up as I rooted through my wallet for some cash to pay the deliveryman.

“An explanation” I heard the irate voice of Brian respond…as I jerked my head up and came face to face with him.

I knew that a confrontation was coming and despite the fact that I wasn’t ready for it…I knew that it would have to be dealt with before I could leave Pittsburgh. “Not here…” I said pointing towards my bedroom as I closed the door behind him…walking over to Hunter’s room before knocking. “Hunter…I need you to pay the pizza man when he gets here” I cried out through the door…stepping back when it flew open. “It shouldn’t be more then thirty bucks and don’t forget to leave a tip” I instructed…handing him the money. “I have to talk to Brian alone and don’t worry about me…I will be fine” I urged…patting him on the shoulder as I walked into my room and closed the door behind me.

“You have a lot of nerve to just walk out like you did yesterday” he started in on me the minute that I entered the room. “You just walked out like a fucking baby and left us there with lots of unfinished business” he went on…picking up a knick knack or two and then putting it back down on the dresser he was standing in front of.

“As far as I knew there was no more unfinished business. Mom’s trust funds for the kids are all in place. I signed all the legal paperwork and such this morning with Mel’s secretary. The leasing agreement for the store has been taken care of. The packers come next week to pack up my stuff and then if any of my friends are still speaking to me…I hope to have a farewell dinner out with them before Hunter and I leave. Everything’s taken care of…so you don’t have to worry” I said matter of factly…avoiding the one issue that would always be unfinished between us.

“You know what I am talking about Mikey” he growled…his teeth clenched as he stared at me though the mirror above my dresser.

“No…No…I don’t believe that I knew what you are talking about Brian” I continued with the game of not knowing…wanting to see where he would take it.

“Us…Mikey…us” he cried out…slamming his hands upon the tabletop before turning to face me. “How could you just give me an ultimatum like that and then just leave it like that?”

“I don’t believe that I left it like anything” I defended myself…moving across the room so I could sit upon the bed. “I gave you time to think about what I proposed to you. I pretty much got my answer when you basically ignored me the entire time we were at Mel’s office. Oh and lets not forget the little outburst from Justin since it basically told me all that I needed to know” I knew that my words had hit a direct mark as he downcast his eyes…refusing to even look back up at me. “I get it Brian…I get it” I went on sadly…my voice strong and clear because I was done with the whole Brian and Mikey fiasco after that. “You’re in love with Justin and not me. It was probably stupid of me to approach it like I did…but after all of these years I had to know. I had to know if there was maybe even the slightest of chances between us…but I got my answer didn’t I?” I laughed sadly…still trying to maintain my composer. “We’ve been playing these silly games for years and I thought that maybe…” I stopped unsure of what to say next. “It’s doesn’t matter anymore” I assured…putting on a brave front as my heart broke into little pieces inside. “You’re in love with Justin and despite the fact that you won’t believe it…I am really happy for you Brian. If he makes you happy then that is all that matters”

His silence was driving me mad as he continued to stand there fingering the stuff on top of the dresser. “I never meant for any of this to happen” he finally broke his own silence…turning to face me. “I just figured that everything would always be the same. That we would be the dynamic duo together forever…but then…”

“We grew up” I replied sadly…standing up as I made my way slowly to where he stood. “It’s time anyway…don’t you think?” I asked…standing in front of him as I placed my hands upon his forearms. “We can’t be Brian and Mikey forever…but just know that I love you Brian Kinney…that will never change. You will always be a special person in my heart and I won’t ever forget you”

“I’m kinda hard to forget” He laughed sadly against my ear as he pulled me into his arms.

“Yeah…you are” I answered more to myself as I closed my eyes and savored the last time that I would ever be this close to my one great love again. “I love you Brian” I whispered softly…eyes still closed as hot tears blazed down my face. “Now go on…get out of here” He held me for a few seconds more before letting me go…stopping at the door as he turned to face me once again.

“Always have…always will” he said the words that were like daggers to my heart as I fell to the bed and cried myself to sleep.

The day before Hunter and I left was an overly emotional day. They all threw a going away party in my honor at Mel and Lind’s place that was both joyous and sad. It was nice to know that everyone still loved and cared for me after my disappearing act…but that didn’t mean that I didn’t get the riot act from each and everyone of them throughout the evening. Promises of visits and phone calls were made as one by one the troop known as my loved ones left late into the wee morning hours. Brian and Justin did a no show…but that was to be expected. I knew that the bond that once forever held Brian and I together was now broken and despite the fact that it was almost killing me…I knew that it was the right thing to do. I made sure before I left to have everyone promise to keep an eye on him…making sure that he didn’t get into to much trouble. They all vowed to do what they could…but I knew that Brian was Brian and despite everything he would do what he wanted to do in the end anyway. It was hard saying goodbye to everyone…but it was downright heart wrenching to leave the children. Gus was belligerent as hell when I told him of my plans...refusing to come down and see me off. It was killing me to know that I had hurt him with my leaving…but in the same sense I had to smile because he was turning out to be the miniature version of his father. I bawled like a baby as I held my daughter in my arms…her clueless as to why her daddy was acting that way. She had no clue what it meant for me to be moving to California because to her it was as if it was right across the street. I must have kissed her chubby face a hundred times before allowing Linds to take her from my arms and then I walked as fast as I could away from her and everything that was my normal.

The next morning we took a cab to the airport and the start of our new lives. As we were boarding I kept looking around the terminal in hopes that Brian would have changed his mind. I knew that it was a long shot…but I still hoped. I mentally kicked myself once we had boarded as my heart broke yet again…because as excepted Brian had not shown up. Once we had gained flight and we were able to move around I excused myself and headed for the restrooms. I planned to cry myself stupid once again and then be ok until the next crying jag hit…but as I looked at the person staring back at me I made a solemn vow to myself. I vowed that I would never cry over Brian Kinney again as long as I lived. As I continued to stare at the haggard thirty five year old looking back at me I knew that it was truly time to start anew and that was just exactly what I did.

Bret had been kind enough to allow Hunter and I too stay with him those first few months and I couldn’t have been more grateful. Living in California was like this surreal dream…but it was the best place to lose your self and for once in a long time I was happy. I fell into the writing aspect of “Rage” immediately and even if I do say so myself the writing was damn good. Don’t get me wrong it was hard work at the beginning…with me having no clue how fast paced everything worked. When Justin and I were doing rage on our own we took our time…sent things in when we were ready. But…that wasn’t the case with the studio. I had deadlines and if those deadlines weren’t met then there was hell to pay. However…I quickly got the hang of it and within the first year that I was there “Rage” the cartoon series was on the air.

After that first year it was as if I was finally home. I owned my own house…bought a new car and had been called in to work on a few other projects as well. My life was perfect…except for one thing…I missed my family terribly. I may have had a new life…but that didn’t stop me from keeping in constant contact with my family back home and my kids. Daily there would be phone calls or e-mails…anything to keep that line of communication open. I had it all and for once I wasn’t harboring over Brian and his lack of love for me. Hunter began college that year and moved into the dorms. He decided that he wanted to work with children who were infected with HIV and as it turned out he was really good at it. He met himself a beautiful girl and despite the fact that it was tough at the beginning…eventually they became quite the loving couple.

In fact I had quite a social life of my own in California. Bret had immersed me in the local gay nightlife and I loved every minute of it. I wasn’t looking to be tied down and actually…in complete contrast to my former life…became quite a stud. I had men coming and going through my bedroom like you wouldn’t believe and although it might have seemed that I was playing out the role of the great Brian Kinney…it really wasn’t the case. I may have been a man about town…but I couldn’t stop being who I always was…a nice guy. I knew all my tricks by name and would make sure to acknowledge them if I saw them on the street or in a club. Yes…I was loving life and thinking less and less about Brian with each passing day. I figured that the craziness that was the Brian and Mikey show had finally come to an end…but I was oh so wrong.

By the second year “Rage” was heating up the airwaves once again. I had been given the go ahead to once again go with the original concept and start up the comic book again and it was doing phenomenal. We couldn’t print them fast enough and when it went international well the money just poured in. “Rage” the movie…part two was already in the works and budgeted to be a huge action flick. I was utterly amazed that the true to life gay comic book character that Justin and I came up with on a drug-induced haze was bringing me such financial success. When we got the news that the sequel to “Rage” was given the green light and what else was there to do but party. I think that Bret and I did it all that night…drinking…drugs and even fucked a couple of twinks in the backroom…but by the end of the night I was exhausted. Bret had decided to crash at my place that night…which was something that he did often after a heavy night of partying. Arm and arm we swaggered up the walkway still feeling the after effects of a glorious night…only to stop short when we found a man sitting on my front steps.

At first I was too stunned to do much of anything but stare…because I knew what I was seeing had to be some sort of a dream. “Bret…is it me or are we seeing “Rage” sitting on my front steps” I giggled…turning away from the silent figure as I focused my attention on my cohort.

“Well he is an older…less younger version of “Rage”…but “Rage” none the less” he snickered as he looked over my shoulder at the man I hadn’t seen in over two years. “And boy is he pissed…” his laughter became contagious as I fell into a fit of giggles in his arms.

“Mikey…” I heard the figure speak…sobering me up quickly for I knew that I wasn’t dreaming…that Brian was in fact sitting on my front steps uninvited. “So…is this what you do now? Going out drinking and partying till all hours of the fucking night?” he questioned me angrily pulling him self off of the steps as he moved towards me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked quickly losing the happy vibe that had been going on all night long. “Jesus Christ…Brian you can’t just show up out of the blue after two years” I bit out…turning away from him as I tried to gain my composer…grabbing onto Bret’s arms as I did.

“Um…you know what I think that I am going to actually crash at my place tonight” I heard him speak nervously…kissing me on the lips as I tried to stop him. “It’s obvious that “Rage” needs to talk to you and you don’t need a house guest for that. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Remember…gym…nine o’clock” and with that he was gone…leaving me alone with a man at one time I felt completely at ease with. That was not however the case any longer as I turned back to look at him…praying like hell that it was all a bad dream and that he would be gone.

“I’m still here Mikey and I’m not going anywhere until I talk to you” he spoke sternly…already knowing what I was thinking before I even spoke a word. That unnerved my somehow that he could still read me so well…when I in turn had no clue as to what he was thinking or feeling.

“Come in then” I spoke tersely…walking past him and his luggage as I fumbled with the key for several seconds before I was able to unlock the door.

“Nice place?” he whistled as he made his way into my sanctuary…looking around in wonder and awe. “Boy…this sure beats that shit box of a apartment you used to live in” he laughed…dropping his bags in front of the staircase as he continued to explore the downstairs portion of my home. “Seems California really suits you”

“What the hell are you doing here Brian” I belted out…cutting through his niceties because the truth of the matter was that my nerves were already shot and he had only been in the house less then ten minutes.

“Well your mannerisms certainly have changed. The Mikey that I used to know would have been jumping up and down to see his best friend” was his not so hasty reply…sending my anger and irritation factor off the charts.

“I haven’t heard or seen you in over two years. You certainly weren’t rolling out the red carpet the few times that I went back to the Pitt’s. You don’t call or E-mail me and you certainly never answered any of mine when I first moved out here. So Brian…what makes you think that you deserve better treatment” I threw the truth back in his face because the truth of the matter was that at the beginning when I had first moved to California I had tried to keep in contact with Brian. Even on the few trips back to my hometown he was never to be seen. He was always to busy or conveniently out of town during each visit and soon I just gave up.

“You’re right” he replied sadly and I almost believed him as he walked into the living room and made himself comfortable on the couch. “When you left before…I had no idea where our relationship stood and I wasn’t sure how to handle seeing you again” he spoke his own truths as I continued to stand in the hallway trying to process all that he had said. Needing a chance to bolster my thoughts I walked to the kitchen…grabbing a couple of beers from the fridge as I down one out right for liquid courage. Throwing the empty bottle in the recycle bin…I grabbed another as I walked back into the eerily silent living room. “I was wondering if you were going to come back” he laughed uneasily as I made my way over to him shoving the beer bottle in front of him for him to take.

“Um…tempting…but I am going to have to pass” he replied…staring me straight in the eye as he took the bottle from me and placed it on the table in front of him. “It’s not part of my regiment any longer” he went on…sending out a strange vibe that just wasn’t settling well with me. Breaking the lock that he held on me I walked to the other end of the dining room…sitting down as I tried to shake the feeling that this visit was not strictly a social call.

“Why are you here Brian?” I asked the same question that he had avoided earlier as I downed the bottle I had in my hand in three gulps. I watched as the look on his face turned from playful to down right serious and then I knew that I was in for something horrible. “Is it the kids?? Ted…Emmett??” I asked in a panic.

“I have cancer…or had cancer” he blurted out…as I fought the urge to vomit right there on the spot. “I mean…they say that they got it all but doctors…what do they know” he laughed in a vain attempt to lesson the tension.

“Wh…what?” I stammered…trying to comprehend what I had just heard.

“I said I have cancer” he replied matter of factly…picking up the beer and really staring at it before placing in back on the table before him. “Testicular cancer to be exact” I couldn’t speak…could barely register what it was that he was saying as I bolted from my chair…downing his beer in two swigs. Instantly I was startled into a coughing fit as the cooling liquid went down the wrong pipe. Before I knew what was happening he was at my side…pounding my back as I tried to remember how to breathe again. “You ok?” he asked once I seemed to be somewhat under control.

“When…how long?” I asked harshly once the air started to flow into my lungs again. As quick as I could I walked away from him and his touch as I fell once again onto my chair.

“They found the cancer about five months ago and I have been going through radiation for the last three of those months. After that I had to recuperate and let me tell you I think that was more then the radiation” he chuckled…it once again sounding flat as I tried to comprehend all that I had learned.

“So why now?” I asked tiredly…because the truth of the matter was that I was losing energy fast and I was confused as hell as to why he was there afterwards and not when he first found out.

“After the radiation treatments ended…they told me that my cancer was in remission…but that I would have to make some changes in my life. They were all minor things…things that I could easily adhere to…except one” he spoke and I already knew that answer…but didn’t speak a word in order for him to continue. “Jesus…who knew that this was going to be this hard” he rushed out agitated as he jumped off of the couch and began to pace back and forth in front of me. “I realized at the very moment once they told me that I was going to be ok…that I was far from ok. I realized that my life was a joke and completely empty of anything real. I realized that despite that fact that I loved Justin…I wasn’t in love with him and that I needed to make some other changes in my life as well. I ended things with Justin…sold the loft and gave up the nightlife. I’ve been spending more time with my son…and your daughter and I thought that that would make me happy. I thought that it would fill up the large hole in my life and it helped for a while…but every time I looked into your daughter’s eyes it was a constant reminder that I was lying to myself. I guess that the real reason that I am here is to tell you that I never meant to hurt you Michael…and I know that I did. I wanted you to know that I wanted to give you the answer to your question that night…but I didn’t because I was so fucking scared. I figured that you would come to California and fuck everything up and then come back to me…but you didn’t”

“Gee thanks…” I responded snidely…finally able to speak but only out of anger.

“Don’t get me wrong Mikey” he went on…coming to stand over by my chair as he knelt down before it. “Yes…I wanted you to fail so you would come back to me…but despite the fact that you didn’t…I have never been more prouder of you in my entire life. You may think that I haven’t been keeping tabs on you…but I have. The munchers took ever single moment that we were together telling me how successful you were…telling me about who you were dating and who you had broken up with. They wanted me to know just how badly I had fucked up…but they didn’t have to tell me…because I already knew. I knew from the moment that I left you in your room that night that I had fucked up again…and that this time you might not be so willing to forgive me unlike all the other times” he laughed sadly…taking my hands into his own and I was too stunned to fight him much less do much of anything. “I guess that real reason that I am here Mikey is that I miss you and I want you back in my life” I could see the truth in his eyes as he clutched my hands even tighter…before bringing them to his lips and placing a gentle kiss upon them.

“As what?” I questioned thanks to my sappy heart…as my mind cursed me out like a drunken sailor.

“As whatever you can give me Mikey” he whispered softly…so unlike the Brian of my former days that it brought tears to my eyes. “I’m not going to lie to you and say that I don’t want more. That’s one thing about me that hasn’t changed. I don’t lie and I will always speak my mind…but I will take you any way that I can. I love you Mikey…I’m in love with you and I have been for a long time. I was just too much of a coward to tell you and to take the risk of being more to you then just your best friend. But then you were gone and I realized that never in my life had I been afraid of anything…but you and what we should have had” I watched his hand in slow motion as it lifted upward…gently…cautiously before landing upon my cheek in a soft caress.

“I…I can’t deal with this right now” I burst out…pushing his hand away as I got as far away from him as I could without leaving the room. I could see the saddened shock in his eyes and it hurt me to know that it was me that had put it there…but I wasn’t the same love struck puppy dog any longer and I didn’t know how to react to his words and his actions. “Look…I know that we still have a lot to talk about…but it’s just to much for one night” I spoke cautiously. “You can sleep in the guest room and we can talk tomorrow when I get back from work. The guest room is the first door on your right as you go up the stairs. It’s got everything that you might need…shower…clean towels…toothpaste…toothbrush” I knew that I was babbling…but I felt that I had the right to babble after hearing what Brian has said to me. “Night Brian…” I cried out over my shoulder…rushing up the stairs as I ran into my bedroom…slamming and locking the door behind me as I had.

Needless to say really…but I didn’t sleep a wink that entire night. I was so confused and hurt that Brian had just thrown all of that shit on me just out of the blue. Up until that moment I was pretty sure that I was finally getting over him…but as I continued to lie there I realized that you truly never get over your one true love. Sure…you can hind behind the lie and pretend that its over…that you’re over him…but you never really are. I cried a bucket of tears that night. I cried over everything that had happened before I left. I cried about the fact that the man that I could finally admit that I still loved had suffered something as traumatic as cancer and he did it virtually alone. I even cried some happy tears at the fact that Brian was once again in my life…although now that he was I had no idea what I was going to do with him. Throughout the night everything played over and over in my mind but then as the rays of the early morning sun lit up my bedroom that morning I came up with a plan.

“Are you fucking crazy” I heard Bret scream on his end of the phone as I searched frantically for my suitcase. “We get the green light to do the sequel to “Rage” and you want to leave town on a vacation. Look Michael…I don’t know how they do things in Pittsburgh…but we don’t just leave at the spur of the moment leaving everyone on this project hanging in the balance”

“Look Bret…I’m sorry and I know that your right…but I have to do this. Brian needs me and…” I went on…racing downstairs in pursuit of the missing item. ***Fuck*** I said to myself as I gave up the search and headed into the kitchen for some breakfast…cordless phone still plastered to my ear.

“What the fuck is it about this Brian character?” he burst out…cutting me off flat as he continued to rant and rave. “First Justin quits “Rage” before it even gets off the ground because of Brian and now you pull this shit. I don’t get the fucking attraction. I mean sure he’s hot…but that’s all there is to him”

“No…there is more to him then just his looks. You don’t know him like I do. I know Brian in a way that no one will ever know him…because I know his heart” I defended…quickly realizing that the truth of the matter was that I really didn’t know much about Brian anymore. “Look can you help me or not?” I asked in aggravation that he was questioning me in the way that he was. “I know your place has a fax machine and I can work on the storylines and send them to you as I go along. You can reach me by my cell or your computer. This is not just a simple vacation Bret. It can be both. I just need to do this and there is really nothing more that I can say to make you understand”

“Ok Michael” he relented just like I knew he would and it caused me to smile. The fact of the matter was that Bret and I over the two years that I had lived in California had become quite close. We weren’t a close as Brian and I had once been…but close still the same. I loved spending time with Bret and loved sharing his bed even more. The man was an animal in the sack and despite the fact that we never let it ruin our friendship we had been lovers on a number of occasions. “Just don’t let him hurt you the way that he did when you first got here. I know that you care for the dude…but the point is that he’s not worth losing all that you have gained since you have been here”

“I know…” I replied adamantly…determined not to lose any of the new me as I tried to get to know the new Brian. “Thanks Bret…see you when I get back. Yeah…love you too babe” I giggled in our traditional sign off before hanging up the phone.

“Are you going somewhere?” I heard Brian speak behind me…frightening the shit out of me as I dropped my juice glass on the floor. “Sorry…” he went on…crouching before me as he helped to pick up the broken glass. “Mikey…” he said my name so softly that I wasn’t even sure that I had heard it. “Please don’t leave until I’ve had a chance to finish talking to you” he almost sounded as if he were begging and I have to admit that I got a bit of joy out of that.

“I’m not going anywhere” I spoke quickly…tossing the shards into the trash and then washing my hands as an excuse to put some distance between us. “We’re going away” I continued…wiping my hands on a dishtowel as I turned to face the stunned man. “Don’t misconstrue this one little bit…this is strictly a platonic trip. You want to talk and I need to get away for a few days to clear my head. I have to come up with some story ideas to pitch to Bret and the big wigs and to tell you the truth I am struggling a little bit with it. Bret has a place on the beach where we can just chill out for a while and get to know each other again. But Brian…” I spoke in my best warning voice once again…because I wanted him to know that this was not a romantic getaway. “I can maybe only be your friend for now. I’m not your best friend or your potential lover…but just a simple friend who is getting to know another friend and I can’t promise that it can ever be more then that” I know that I sounded stupid…but I had to put it out there and by the look on his face I knew that he got my message loud and clear.

The trip to the beach was long and stressful as we tried to come up with topics of conversation to discuss…without discussing anything prevalent in our lives. We talked about the weather. We talked about politics. We even tried to talk about sports…but since neither one of us knew much of anything about it…it was an extremely short conversation. Four hours later we finally reached our destination and I had never been so glad to see a house so much in my life. I was dying to be away from Brian…dying to have some alone time with myself as I tried to figure out what to do next. No words were spoken as we unpacked the car and made our way inside. I had forgotten just how big Bret’s summer house was and it caused me to smile as I remembered the last time he and I had been there. “Happy memory?” I heard Brian ask as he stood beside me…looking down on me with a forced look on his face.

“Um…yeah” was my only response as I walked deeper into the house…placing my bag on the back of the couch as I stood behind it. “Ok…here’s the deal. The kitchen is fully stocked. Bret promised me that we would have everything that we need for this trip and he never breaks a promise. You can sleep in the guest bedroom...which is the first door on your left. I’ll be sleeping in the master bedroom at the end of the hall” I rushed out…as I once again picked up my bag and tried to make haste for the sanctuary of my room. “I’m tired and I am going to call it a night” I called over my shoulder.

“Is it really that hard to talk to me Mikey?” he cried out to me…still standing in the main hallway as I tripped my way up the stairs. “Because you’ve been avoiding it like the plague since you first saw me”

Swallowing hard…I decided to tell Brian the truth even if he didn’t like it. “Yes…yes…Brian it’s hard to talk to you…because the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what to say to you. Our lives are completely different now and although I never thought that anything would come between us like this…it has”

“I’m trying to fix that Mikey. That’s why I am here…to bring you back into my life because I miss you. I need you” he sounded so sad…so lost as he continued to stand there looking up at me with such sadness in his eyes. I know that I should have felt bad…but I didn’t. It only served to piss me off even more as I opened my mouth and spoke words that were meant to slam him in the heart and they did just that.

“See that’s the problem then Brian…because I don’t need you in my life anymore” The devastation in his eyes was almost too much for me to bear as I turned away from him and left him gaping in my wake.

The truth of the matter was that I didn’t need Brian Kinney in my life anymore…but what I didn’t know was if I wanted him there or not. I was happy living in California. I was happy with my life and my lifestyle. I was rich beyond my wildest dreams and set to rake in even more cash with the comic book series back in production and the sequel to “Rage” in production. I had Bret who had replaced Brian in the best friend category…but with one huge difference because we had proved time and time again that we could be friends and lovers at the same time. Brian never believed in that with us…or maybe he didn’t want to and I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to find out the answer to that question or not. I quickly unpacked my suitcase before I dragged myself into bed. I was exhausted…mentally and physically despite the early hour of the evening. Closing my eyes I quickly fell into an easy patterns of breathing as I thought about everything else but Brian…or at least until he was knocking at my door. “Come in” I called out hesitantly as I tightened the sheets at my chest like some virginal schoolgirl fearful of losing her purity.

“I just wanted you to know something Michael” he spoke clearly…but hinged with so much hurt and sadness. “You may not need me in your life anymore…but as I told you I need you in mine and I am not leaving until we have worked everything out” I was stunned and speechless as he continued to stand in my doorway…grasping onto the door as if for dear life. “I know that this is all my fault” he continued. “I know that I fucked everything up like I always do and usually you are the one to fix what I have broken…but I promise you this…this time it will be me that fixes it. I love you Mikey. I always have and I always will and nothing will ever change that” and with those words said I watched as he disappeared behind the closed door leaving me alone with my thoughts and my tears. I was wide awake after that and in dire need of someone to talk to as I dialed Bret’s number in hopes that he would answer.

“Lo…” he grunted into the phone as he picked up the line and I knew exactly what he was doing.

“Sorry…guess I caught you at a bad time” I giggled sadly…trying to sound as if everything was ok…but he knew better.

“Michael…what’s wrong? Are you ok?” he questioned me…his concern evident across the phone line. “Ok boys…take a hike” I heard him bark at the two tricks that I was sure that he had taken home for the evening. I could hear them grumbling and groaning in the background and if it was possible it made me feel even worse.

“Bret…it’s ok” I falsely assured…trying to end the phone conversation before I lost it completely. “I’m fine. I can call you back tomorrow and…”

“I said get the fuck out” his screams echoed loudly in my ear as I heard a door slam roughly in the background. “Non sense” I heard his voice clearer as he once again focused his attention back to me. “You’re more important to me then some random men that I picked up at the club. So…what’s wrong and don’t you dare leave anything out you hear me?” I had to chuckle at that because despite the fact of only knowing him for a few short years…I sometimes thought that he knew me better then I knew myself. So…for the next hour I proceeded to tell him everything…including how much of a mistake I thought bringing Brian there was. He couldn’t have agreed with me fast enough and then was telling me that he was on his way over. It took me nearly another thirty minuets to convince him otherwise and soon enough he knew that I was serious about getting through this trip with Brian. I felt more confidant after talking with Bret and somewhat fulfilled after a self-pleasuring round of hot phone sex.

The next morning I woke up to delicious smells wafting all around me. I didn’t want to go down and face Brian after his declaration the previous evening…but my stomach had other ideas as it began to scream holy hell if I did not fill it. Forcing myself out of the bed…I quickly showered and dressed as I made my way down the stairs. “I don’t know Linds…” I heard Brian speak as I peeped around the corner and found him sitting at the table with his back to me…his cell phone plastered to his ear. “I think that this was a mistake. Michael has a new fabulous life…one without me in it. He’s fighting me tooth and nail and the truth of the matter is that I can’t blame him. Yes…I know that I realized my mistake…but it may be two years to late. Ok…ok…” he laughed…and I knew that Lindsay must as been giving him a severe tongue lashing and that thought alone made me smile. “Yes…I love him. You know that I always have. I was just to fucking stupid to do anything about it when he told me how he felt” I could hear the anger and frustration in his voice and I actually believed those words that he spoke. “He looks amazing” he laughed again…his mood changing as he got up off of the chair and walked over to the stove and began to mix things around in a pan. Instantly my stomach started grumbling again as the smells once again invaded my nostrils…but I ignored it as I took a step back and continued to eaves drop. “California has done wonders for him and as much as I hate to say it…it was probably the best decision that he made to leave the Pitt’s and me”

“Shit…” I whispered to myself as my eyes misted over with tears at his words. My heart was fluttering back and forth in my chest as my mind played out the same motion. I wanted to hate Brian…but as I continued to watch and listen to him I quickly found that I could not. I was finding that I was falling back into the same old Mikey patterns when it came to him and that thought frightened me to death. I didn’t want to be that lovesick puppy dog again…but I also knew that Brian was going to forever be my soul mate no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I knew that there had to be a happy medium for the two of us…one in which I didn’t lose everything that I had worked so hard to get and we could possibly be together in the end.

“I think that he and that Bret dude might be a couple of some sort” I heard him say…bringing my attention level back to his phone conversation. I had to admit that I liked the jealous tone that was so obvious in his voice…because it was a tone that while Brian and I were friends I had used constantly. “I don’t know…just the way that I saw them together that night I was waiting for him and the way that Michael talks about him. Maybe he’s in love with him and I am just wasting my time” he sighed into the phone as once again my heart began to flip flop at the pure sadness that I heard there…but soon it was replaced with laughter at his next words for they were true Brian. “Hell no…” I heard him exclaim loudly as he quickly scanned the kitchen as if to see if he were still alone. With quick measures I plastered my back as far as I could against the wall…holding my breath as I waited to see if I was busted. “I am Brian fucking Kinney” he spoke a bit softer…but still loud enough for me to hear. “I don’t give up that easy. I love Michael and he belongs with me and I will do whatever I have to too to make him see that. I don’t know how long we will be here…Michael never said” he went on with his conversation…oblivious that I was listening. “However long it takes. How are the kids?” he asked…and I could hear the smile in his voice as he asked about them. It was amazing just how much Brian had changed in the few short years since I had seen him last…but what was even more amazing was just how much he loved our children and was part of their lives. “Tell them that I love them and I miss them terribly. I love you to Linds…” he giggled…so unlike the Brian that I knew from before. “Tell everyone that I said hello and I will call later. Bye…”

I couldn’t control the smile that plagued my face as I wiped at my watery eyes…taking a deep breath as I prepared to face the man who would forever be a part of my life. I was scared out of my mind as to what was going to happen next…because I knew that it was going to be major…but in a sense I felt strangely complete now that I knew he was willing to fight for me. I didn’t know if Brian and I were going to be just friends or maybe there would be more to our relationship…but what I did know was that I was dying to find out. Taking another breath I took the necessary steps and entered the kitchen. “Morning…” I said with a smile as I walked over beside him as he stood by the stove. “Something smells delicious” my smile never faltered as I graced him with an even brighter one before grabbing a nearby plate and filling it with the eggs he had cooked for us.

“Morning…” he said with hesitation as I handed him the plate…nudging him towards the table as I took another and filled it as well. “You seem to be in a good mood this morning” he went on as I sat before him…nursing a badly needed cup of coffee. “You don’t seem like you are ready to bolt from this house and leave me here all alone” he chuckled…but I could see the fear in his eyes as I stared at him from across the table.

“I know and I am sorry for that…for all that I said. I guess that I was just shocked to find you sitting on my front porch and I just freaked. Maybe dragging you here was a mistake…but now that we are here maybe we can finally get to know each other once again” I smiled shyly…amazed as just how far apart we had truly drifted.

“You didn’t drag me…I came willingly” he smiled back…a slight blush racing across his face as he did…causing my own face to blush in return.

“Ok…” was my light hearted reply as I turned my attention back to the plate of eggs before me. “So when did you learn how to cook? Because you couldn’t boil water before” I asked…trying to break the lock that his eyes had upon me as I ate.

“There is a lot about me that you don’t know about” he teased…shoveling a forkful into his own grinning mouth.

“I can see that” I teased back…realizing in an instant that we were flirting and I was liking it. “So what do you want to do today?” I asked once I had finished my breakfast…taking his empty plate as well as I took them to the sink. “I was thinking that we could go to the beach if you want…or there are several swanky shops not to far from here that I know you would love. Maybe you would prefer to…”

“Or maybe we could talk” he spoke up…causing my heart to plummet into my stomach in an instant. I had wanted to avoid that conversation for as long as possible…but as I turned to face him I could see the hope shining there and I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.

“Ok…” I replied softly. “Can we just take a walk of the beach as we do it” I asked…my heart still beating like mad within my chest. “It’s where I go when I need to think…to clear my head”

“Sure…” was his simple reply as he smiled over at me. “Just let me get changed and then we can go. I watched as he jogged out of the kitchen…only to return not five minutes later in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. “Shall we go” he gestured with his hands. Taking a deep breath I willed my feet forward as together we exited the house. It was a short walk to the beach since it was practically right at the back door as we began our trek towards rediscovery as well as the haunts of the past. Neither of us said a word for a long time as the heat of the sun beat down on us. It was a perfect day. The kind of day where all seems right with the world as gentle breezes softly caressed us into a false sense of security…because the truth of the matter was that everything was far from perfect. The silence between us was near deafening as we continued to walk…only to be cut short at the feel of his hand upon my arm.

“I think that we have walked long enough” he said with a nervous tremble in his voice…nudging me to a stop as the heat of his hand continued to burn into my arm. “Please Mikey…lets just do this and move on if we can. I don’t know about you but the wait it killing me” He looked so forlorn and unsure…so unlike the cocky bastard of my younger years. Once again I had to fight the urge to pull him into my arms and take away all of his pain…but I held strong. It was as if I was being split in two as I relished the idea that he was finally going to know just how much he had hurt me with what he had done. However…in the same sense it nearly killed me to know that he was hurting and that I was part of that hurt.

“Ok Brian…” I spoke softly…falling backwards onto the heated beach behind me…pulling my knees into my chest as he did the same. “Just don’t expect…

“Miracles…” he finished for me…staring out across the darkened deepness of the ocean before us.

“Yeah…” I replied…my eyes following the path that he was tracing along the rough waters.

“Yeah…” he repeated sadly…pulling his own knees into his chest. “I really fucked up this time didn’t I?” he asked the obvious…his eyes never straying from where they laid. “This last time was so unlike any of the other times that I had screwed up” he went on…still not looking at me. “It had always been me fucking up and you making everything better and I guess that I expected you to do just that…but you didn’t. Instead you left Pittsburgh…your family and me behind” I could hear the hurt and betrayal in his voice…even the anger…but I said nothing. This talk was something that we needed to do…despite the fact that it was either going to make or break us.

“I had to leave Brian” I finally spoke when he didn’t attempt to continue. “I couldn’t stay there anymore. I couldn’t pretend that everything in my life…between us was perfect anymore. Because the truth of the matter was…it hadn’t been for a long time. I was dying there in Pittsburgh and it wasn’t just everything that happened with the funeral…although that was the deciding factor…it was so much more. When Ben was dying in that hospital…leaving me little by little everyday…I needed you. I needed you to be strong for me…just like I pretended to be strong for him. I needed to be able to fall apart in your arms after I left him…needed to just know that you were there and you loved me…but you weren’t” I tried to mask the overly sensitive emotions that were raging through me…but it was a mute point. The words needed to be spoken and the hurt dealt with as I continued onward. “The entire time that Ben was dying you avoided me like some fucking plague. Where everyone else was beside me without fail…the one person that really mattered was not. You always had an excuse” I cried out in remembered anger…equally angry tears blazing down my face. “You always had something to do at the office…a client to deal with…Justin to take care of…but when I needed you where the fuck where you?” I threw out the question…choking on the sobs that were lodged deep within my throat. “And then lets not forget the funeral” I pushed forward…allowing my anger to spiral out of control in lasted need. “The funeral where I needed you again and yet once again you were more concerned with everything else but me…especially Justin”

“Mikey…” he tried to speak…but I was having none of it.

“NO…” I cried out…cutting him off…determined to get my say once and for all. “You wanted to talk…well now it’s time for you to listen too. I’ve been holding this anger towards you in for far to long…but I won’t anymore” I watched as large and lazy tears slide their way down his rugged face…but I refused to let them detour me. “How could you do that to me Brian?” I asked…the anger that I was trying desperately to control over taking me. I knew that I had been harboring bad feelings for Brian from the time I had left the Pitt’s all those years ago…I just didn’t realize how much I hated him until that very moment. “How could you fuck Justin on the day that they buried my mother? In my room…when I was trying to keep from falling apart. You and Justin must have gotten a good laugh about that” My cries got louder as I fought the urge to get up and run away from him and everything that he represented…but I didn’t. “And even after all that…even after I laid my heart and soul out on the line for you…you still slammed it in my face by staying with him. I never thought that I could hate you as much as I did Brian…as I do” I added as a side note…my heart numb and cold as he continued to sit before me soundless. “You almost killed me that night before I left. Saying those words that used to hold such hope for me “Always have…always will” I spat them out like they were rancid and evil…noticing the way that he body jerked at my outburst. “Did you know that I waited for you at the airport” I laughed sadly as I recalled the way that I searched the terminal frantically for any sign of him. “I waited to be the last one to board…because I knew that you would never let me just leave like that…but you did” I accused…my tears more frantic and filled with recalled heartbreak.

“I was there…” his words were barely a whisper…but I heard them just the same.

“What?” I cried out in astonishment.

“I was there” he repeated…not even trying to hide his own heartbreak and tears. “I saw everything. I saw how you forced Hunter to enter the plane before you. I watched the way that your eyes scanned high and low looking for me. I saw the look on your face when you realized that I wasn’t coming…that I wasn’t there…but I was. I had even bought a ticket. I was planning on dropping everything and going with you…but I couldn’t ”

His words stunned and hurt me at the same time as I tried to figure out what the fuck he was saying. “Why?” I rushed out…my knees falling to the sides as I glanced over at him. “WHY?” I screamed again…not caring that we were drawing attention from the other beach goers on the semi private beach. “I said why?” My emotions were like a roller coaster…speeding along fastly as it twisted and turned upside down and inside out.

“I was afraid” he replied softly…wiping at his tear stained face as he turned to face me.

“Afraid” I bit out nastily. “Afraid of what?” I couldn’t wait to hear the answer to that question as I leaned in further and awaited his reply.

“Of you” I heard the words as they played over and over in my head…sending my emotions once again into a tailspin. I could see the seriousness of his answer reflect in his eyes as he stared back at me and so I did the only thing that I could at the time…I started laughing. At first it was just an irritated chuckle at the idioticy of his reply…but soon it erupted into a full fledge belly laugh that nearly had me rolling on the sand where we sat. I could see the shock and the hurt in his eyes…but as much as I tried I could not stop it. However…my raging laughter did not last long…infact within minutes of it starting it turned into heart melting torrential sobs that I could control as much as I could control the laughter. Hot…wet tears rained down my face…hitting the sand below me with a soft thud as my heart expelled all the demons that had been haunting me from the moment that I had left. “I’m so sorry Michael” he wept beside me as he pulled me into arms that in truth I had been dying to feel from the moment I had laid eyes upon him days before hand. I wanted to fight him…but I couldn’t as I allowed him to pull me even deeper into his embrace…finally giving up the urge to hold anything in any longer.

“I…I don’t understand” I hiccupped after finding my voice after what felt like forever. So there we sat in complete silence…me almost sitting in his lap as he tried to gather his own voice to speak. I have to admit that I was actually glad that he took his time before speaking…because I had truly forgotten how much I used to love to be held in Brian’s arms. Without a second thought I laid my head upon his shoulder…inhaling the manly scent that could only be Brian. I knew that I shouldn’t have been allowing this to happen…but I needed it…I craved it and there was no way that I was ending it…at least at that moment.

“Oh god Mikey…” I heard him say as he began to play with the hair at the nape of my neck. “From the first moment that I met you I knew that you were special and you’ve proven it to me time and time again as I’ve known you. You were my best friend…my confidant…my soul mate. You were the one person that I knew that I could count on for anything…without fail. You picked me up when I was done…patched me up when I was beaten and never once judged me for the stupid things that I did. You were the first person to ever tell me that he loved me and I knew that it was true just by looking in your eyes” he words went on as another dull ache lodged deep within my throat at the memories that he was uprooting. “I always knew that I loved you Mikey…but I never realized that I was in love with you until you started seeing David. Oh god how I hated him” he went on…his grip tightening around my body as he talked about the hate that he felt for the man that I once thought I was in love with.

“I remember…” I giggled slightly…resting my head upon his shoulder as I hide my face against the warmth of his neck

“I was devastated when you decided to move to Portland with him and more then a bit angry at you for leaving me” I wanted to speak up…but he cut me off as he continued on. “However…I was more angry at me. I knew that I was in love with you…but I also knew that David could give you everything that you wanted and deserved. I somehow convinced myself that letting you go was the best for all of us…but deep down I knew that I was wrong. I was over joyed when things didn’t work out between you and the Doc…but with everything going on with Justin and my stupid ideas of still not being enough for you…I never showed it. Out of stone cold fear years later I also let you once again slip from my fingers and into the waiting arms of Ben. Once again I felt that he could give you all that you needed…because I was still convinced that I wasn’t good enough for you. I also knew that once you got a taste of domestic life that me being me…the real me with all my faults and fuck ups would never be enough to make you happy. With Ben you got what you always wanted…someone that cherished and loved you with his whole heart. Someone to share a life with…to be committed to…to start a family with. Ben was everything that I wasn’t…that I could never be…until now”

“Why now Brian?” I asked as I slide as far away from him as I could…without losing complete body contact. I noticed that he was sweating quite profusely…but I figured that it was just nerves so I chose to ignore it. “Why after all these years after all the hurt and pain are you here?” I continued bombarding him with questions. “And what makes you think that after everything that has happened that you’re ready now. Everything’s changed since I’ve left. I’ve changed. I’m not the same sappy puppy dog chasing after all the scrapes that you were constantly throwing at me. I’ve grown up…with my own life now and I love it. So what do you expect from me?” my line of questioning continued as my agitation factor continued to grow. “How do you know that you’re ready now to give me what you claim you weren’t able to back then?”

“I don’t know if I can…” he answered honestly…trying to take my hand into his own…but I was having none of it. “But this time I am at least willing to try”

“That’s not a good enough answer” I replied sadly…having had my full of him and everything else that was going on. Pulling myself from off of the ground…I dusted my ass off before trying to take my leave.

“Mikey…wait” he cried out…but I ignored him…putting on the best spoiled brat routine that I could muster. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me…one minute I hated him…the next I wanted him and then I was back to hating him again. “Mikey…” I heard him cry out again…followed by a dry thump and then not another sound except for the thundering ocean.

“Brian…” I cried out as I turned to find him face down in the sand. A deep-rooted panic began to set in as I rushed to his side to find him out cold. Pulling my always-present cell phone out of my pocket I called 911 and within minutes they were there. I was in complete and utter panic mode as two paramedics knelt before him…doing things to him that frightened me even more then I thought possible. Ten minutes later they had him hoisted upon a backboard as they raced towards the waiting ambulance…leaving me in their wake. “Where…where are you taking him?” I cried…running after them because I needed to be by his side at that moment more then I could breath. “Can I go with him…please” I begged as they loaded him into the carriage. Neither said as word…but I received my answer as they held one side of the door open for me…one of them helping me inside before climbing in behind me.

It was nearly an hour after arriving at the hospital before they allowed me to see him. I was a jumbled mess of nerves and guilt that I had caused whatever had happened to happen to him. I was about ready to crawl out of my skin as I sat in the lobby among the others waiting for loved ones…or waiting to be seen themselves. I just knew that whatever was wrong with Brian was serious…with my luck even fatal and that I would never get to tell him how I truly felt about him. ***Please be ok…please be ok*** I kept chanting under my breath…hoping and praying that he was getting the vibes of wellness that I was sending his way. “Michael Neoveotny” I heard someone murder my name as I jumped up and raced over to where a nurse stood before me with a clipboard in her hands.

“I’m Michael Novotny” I replied edgily…hopeful and fearful all rolled into one. “How’s Brian?” I asked…wringing my hands together painfully as I awaited her response.

“Follow me” he replied rudely…indicating with her hand where she wanted me to go. My heart was literally not beating within my chest as I followed her…walking past room after room of sick or injured patients.

“Is he ok?” I asked again…growing more agitated with each step. However…all fears came to an abrupt halt at what I heard next.

“I told you that I am fucking fine and I do not need to stay here one minute more” I heard Brian’s shrill voice carry over the loudness of the emergency room and it caused me to smile.

“Mr. Kinney…please” I heard a mans voice attempt to rise over his…but this man had no idea that he was no match for the great Brian Kinney. “Your results are in and your blood pressure is almost through the roof and with your extensive medical history I think…”

“Do I look like I care what you think doc?” he cried out…as I finally reached the cubicle that was his room. “I am leaving and I am leaving now. I didn’t fly half way across the United States to spend my time in a hospital. I know what my medical history is like…trust me I’ve lived it. So…just give me whatever it is that will make me feel better and let me be on my way”

“Mr. Kinney…please” the doctor begged again…trying to get Brian back into the bed behind him…but once again having no luck.

“Don’t worry Doctor…he will be staying as long as you need him to stay” I came to the man's rescue as he looked up at me with shock and then grateful acknowledgement.

“The fuck I am” was Brian’s nasty retort as he once again tried to get off the bed that he was half sitting on.

“You get off the bed one more time and you will have hell to pay Mister” I threatened…pointing at him with what seemed to be my mothers finger. At first he just sat there staring up at me in blind shock…but I guess by the look on my face he knew that I was serious as he laid back against the single bed.

“When did you become your mother?” he giggled…biting onto his thumbnail as he attempted to control them before they got out of control.

“I don’t know…but as long as it works that’s all that matters” I giggled back…relived that he was feeling well enough to laugh about things. I stood out of the way as a nurse entered the tiny space…hooking Brian up to all sorts of monitors before excusing herself and leaving us alone with the doctor.

“We just want to run a few more tests before we release him” the doctor turned his attention from his patient to me. “It’s a culmination of sun stroke and high blood pressure. It’s a good thing that you brought him in when you did or your boyfriend would be in worse shape then he is now” he spoke matter of factly…as that same pit of fear that had been brewing within my stomach began to rumble again. “I hope you remember to thank you partner here for being smart enough to get you in here…cause lord knows if it would have been left up to you…you’d probably still be laying on the beach” I had to bite my lip to stop myself from cracking up as he gave Brian an evil glare before excusing himself from the room as well.

“You’re just loving this aren’t you?” he asked…his eyes glowing with unsuppressed anger as he stared up at me.

“I wasn’t at the beginning…but I am now” I laughed truthfully as I walked over to his bedside.

“Boy…things must be getting better between the two of us” he spoke a bit seriously…the anger in his eyes replaced with mischievousness. “Because you didn’t even flinch when he referred to you as my boyfriend and my partner”

“Yeah…well” I blushed…kicking nervously at the foot of the bed as I developed an interest in everything but Brian.

“Come lay with me” he went on…not seeing or ignoring my obvious avoidance. I tried to deny him with a shake of my head…but in true Brian form he wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Come on Mikey” he whined…grabbing on to my dangling hand before I willingly allowed him to jerk me towards the bed top. “We could be here for hours and there isn’t any place for you to sit anyways…” his whining turned into a pretend pout of he grabbed onto my other hand…giving me such a pathetic look that I had to choice but to comply. Intending to only sit on the bed beside him…I quickly found out that he had other ideas as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders…somehow shifting me until I was laying in his arms beside him. “See…so much better” he spoke softly…staring into my eyes as inch by inch our foreheads gravitated towards the one place that I’d been dying to be from first sight of him. In an instant we were there sharing in a long await forehead mash that opened the lines of communication between the two of us in an instant.

“God I’ve missed this” I rushed out…closing my eyes as I allowed everything that was happening to sink in. “Missed you…” I continued…unable to stop the flow of truths that were determined to escape from my lips.

“Me too Mikey…me too” he assured…his eyes closed also as I peeked through slightly closed eyelids. I could feel my breath catch in my throat as ever so slowly his lips pursed into a small pucker before placing them atop my own. I wanted to stop him…but how could I when I wanted it just as badly as he seemed to. We didn’t try to move it past the simple stage as manly lips continued to press together in needful re-acquaintance. It was over much to quickly for me…but I knew that everything was right on track as he gazed over at me with a lazy Kinney smile upon his face before laying back against the pillows. “We have a lot to talk about Mikey” The mood was somewhat broken as he lifted his head up slightly…looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes of him. “But not right now…right now I just need you to lay beside me. Please Mikey…can we just lay here?” he near begged…and how could I turn him down like that…I couldn’t. With my own bashful smile I stretched out fully beside him…my head resting on his shoulder as my arm lazed across his heaving abdomen.

That’s the way the doctor found us hours later…sound asleep and in each other’s arms. They released him not long after that as we took a cab back to the beach house. The mood was different then. I can’t really explain it except that it was lighter…less tension filled. We both knew that there was so much more to talk about…but at the same time most of the bad stuff had been dealt with…so that only left the good stuff…I hoped. That evening was spent sitting in the living room as we rehashed the great and not so great times. Before we knew it hours had literally just flown by and yet it seemed as if any time had passed at all. I hated saying goodnight to Brian that night…but at the same time I couldn’t get away from him fast enough…because the truth was that I was starting to get some of my old feelings back for him and that frightened me to my very core.

We spent the next morning strolling the small shops of our beachside vacation…just enjoying each other’s company as we laughed and chatted aimlessly. Brian was more then a little upset with me at the beginning when I forced him to wear one of Bret’s old baseball caps as well as carry a bottle of water. I was determined that we were not going to have a repeat of the previous day…and once and for all be able to actually enjoy our time together. He was in a shopping frenzy as he dragged me from one shop to the other. Already our hands were laden with lots of bag full of goodies for himself as well as every friend and family member back in Pittsburgh. I was tired…but it was a good kind of tired. I couldn’t believe how much happier I felt…how much I felt like the old me because the fact of the matter was that I had left a little of myself behind when I had left Pittsburgh. “Oh look at that shop” I heard him exclaimed. “It looks expensive…come on” he laughed…ignoring my exasperated sigh as he grabbed onto as much as my bag-laden hand as he could…tugging me into the small shop.

“Jesus Brian…aren’t you tired yet?” I laughed…placing the bags in my hand besides a leather sofa as I attempted to fall backwards onto its softness.

“Jesus Mikey…you’ve gotten soft” he laughed openly as he foiled my attempts…once again taking me by the hand as he jerked me over towards him. “You used to be able to keep up with me when you lived in the Pitt’s” his laughter continued as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder…pulling me close to his body. “Besides…this time we are not shopping for me”

“Were not?” I asked in confusion. “Who then?”

“You…” he giggled like a school girl and it caused me to giggle as well. “I want to see you in something like this” He held up a lime green tank top with florescent pink writing across it that pronounced the small town of which we were staying.

“I could have gotten away with that look about twenty years back…today I would just look like Emmett” my laughter continued because I was thoroughly enjoying my time with Brian…despite my earlier fears and reservations.

“Ick…lord know that we don’t want that” he grinned that sexy grin at me…the one that made me go all gaga so many years ago. Hell…even then it made me go gaga. “How about this one then” he said holding up a navy blue pocket tee with a small logo upon it. “It’s perfect for you. You always looked good in navy” he quipped…a far away look upon his face for just a moment before it disappeared. “See…look how nice that looks on you” he went on…arm still around my neck as he laid the shirt across my chest. “I’m going to buy it for you and this one too” he pointed to a white polo shirt with similar markings on the pocket.

“Brian you don’t have to…” but my words were cut off at a commotion taking place across the way from us. “Jesus…could they stare any harder” I hissed through clenched teeth as two women stood behind a cash register glaring at us as they talked loudly amongst themselves. It was blatantly obvious that they wanted us to hear just exactly what they felt about us as the volume of their words got louder and louder.

“Just ignore them” he responded…wrapping his arm even tighter around my neck as he continued to browse the table in front of us. “What about this one?” he asked…once again placing an unfolded tee shirt across my chest. “I like it and…” His words cut short as the word “Disgusting” floated across the small shop…directed at the only to patrons in the place.   
“Do you two have a problem” Brian asked in a sugary sweet voice…but I knew that he was trying to control his temper.

“Your kind is not welcome here” the older of the two ladies spoke up…gesturing her arm in a shooing manner that soon had us both hot under the collar.

“Did you know that we were a kind Mikey?” He asked me…giving me a playful wink to let me know to play along. I knew what was coming next…because it was a game that we had played to numerous of times in our gay lifetime. “And what pray tell madam is out kind?” he continued with the game as he led us towards the counter.

“Fags…” the older lady blurted out bravely…but you could still see the look of fear in her eye.

“That we are maam” Brian responded quickly and with a deadly smile to match. “We are fags and have been all our lives. However…if you don’t want our KIND” he emphasized the word as he moved us just a bit closer to the almost cowering ladies. “Then maybe you should put up a sign that reads…No Fags Allowed. Come on Mikey…lets get the fuck out of this place and go spend our ample supply of money elsewhere. Oh but before we go…Mikey and I would like to show you a little something” I knew what was coming next as I prepared myself for it. True to form Brian wrapped his arms around my body…dipping me backwards until my body was hovering above the floor. His lips descended upon mine in an instant as we shared one hell of a wet and sloppy tongue filled kiss. “Come on Mikey…let’s go home and fuck like bunnies” he smirked at me…kissing me once again for good measure before lifting me back up. Grabbing our mass of bags we raced out of the shop…laughing like lunatics back into the warmness of the day.

“We are so going to go to hell for what he just did” I laughed…taking a sip of my latte as we sat outside of a coffee house a little while later. “We probably gave those two a heart attack. Someone will go in to buy a souvenir and find then dead and frozen from shock”

“Good…two less homophobic assholes among the many” he bit out…slamming his fist upon the rounded metal table. He was angry and so was I because despite the fact that we made light of the situation…there was nothing light about it. “I thought that people were more open minded in California?” he asked as he gazed at me over the table.

“California is just like Pittsburgh or any other place. You have to take the good with the bad. There are just as many assholes here as there are anywhere” I replied…gathering his hand into my own in an attempt to sooth his clearly agitated nerves. “However…I was glad to see that you haven’t changed when it comes to dealing with those types of assholes” I grinned…knowing my job had been done as Brian grinned back over and me…a small snort escaping from his lips. He didn’t say anything…just gave my hand a gentle squeeze as we continued to enjoy our coffee as well as each other’s company.

Later that afternoon I had excused myself to at least try and get some work done. However…that was anything but the case as I sat in Bret’s office unable to get my mind off of the man in the next room. I sat there for a few minutes longer until I could sit no more. I couldn’t explain it but I wanted to be near Brian…needed to be near Brian because I knew that if anyone could get the creative energies flowing that I would be him. “Hey Mikey…come up with anything good?” he grinned sleepy as he lounged on the couch…soft sounds of music playing in the background.

“Nah…” I replied…needing to touch him…be near him as I walked to the end of the couch…lifting his feet as I made myself comfortable before laying them across my lap. “I just figured that I would chill out with you for a bit longer” But he didn’t hear me as the sounds of soft snoring wafted around me. I couldn’t stop the smile that covered my face as I continued to watch him. It was amazing to me that after so many years…after so many changes that we were once again back to where we were. It felt comfortable and it felt right…but at that same time it was frightening as hell. I didn’t really know what Brian wanted from me. I mean…I knew that he wanted to be with me…that he claimed to be in love with me…but what did that all mean in the grand scheme of things. Would he expect me to just give up my life and move back to Pittsburgh? Would he expect me to give up my career…the one that I have worked non-stop for since I moved to California. What about Justin? He had told me that things were over between them…but what exactly did over mean? Did it mean that they no longer spoke to each other? Or maybe it meant like it always did that they would break up to make up. I didn’t have an answer to a damn one of those questions and I was determined to find out once and for all why Brian Kinney had showed up back in my life and where would we be once he left.

I guess I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up…I found Brian staring at me. “Hey…” I whispered groggily…rubbing my eyes with one hand as my other hand still rested on top of his out stretched legs.

“Hey yourself” he grinned…stretching out fully before pulling himself upwards. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah…I guess you looked so peaceful sleeping that I couldn’t resist it myself” I grinned back…absent-mindedly rubbing the soft hairs on his tanned legs. “Brian…” I spoke his name getting serious for a moment as I stared into his beautiful eyes. I think he knew what was coming as I felt his legs tighten for just a instant before he slide them off of my lap. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed as he tucked them under himself…before turning his attention back towards me. He didn’t say anything…just gave me a small smile that told me that he was ready for the talk and to begin when ready. Taking a deep breath I summonsed the courage to ask all the things that I wanted to…but also the strength to hear the answers that going to be his response. “Tell me about Justin” I rushed out…my whole body clenching as I awaited his reply.

“There’s nothing really to tell about Justin” he began…pinching the bridge of his nose in an age-old fashion whenever he was in deep thought. “I haven’t really spoken to him in about a year now”

“Really?” I blurted out…trying to control the smile that was threatening to cross my face.

“Yeah…really” he chuckled sadly…moving a bit closer towards me until we were almost touching. “After my cancer scare I decided to make some changes in my life. I didn’t want to be that same man that I was before hand. I wanted to grow…be a better person…just a plain better me. I knew that I couldn’t do that with Justin…it just wasn’t possible. I loved Justin…don’t get me wrong Mikey…but I always loved you more. I know…” he held up his hands in order to stop me from lashing out…only to cup my cheek once he had acquired his task. “I know that I rarely showed you Michael…but I always knew that you were the one great love of my life” I couldn’t stop the misty waterworks as he began to trace my face with that same hand. “He didn’t take the news well. In fact he tried just about everything in his power to wreck my new intentions…until one night I had just had enough. Our break up was public and ugly…but so typical in the Brian and Justin tradition. After that things got worse. He began to stalk me…at work…the clubs…anywhere that I went…he went. I had to change my cell phone number twice because he would call me all hours of the day and night. It even got so bad that he began to do the same thing to the carpet muncher’s as well as Emmett and Ted. I hated to do it…but eventually with the help of Pittsburgh finest I was able to have him arrested for harassment. It stopped after that. From what I have heard through the grapevine…he is back to living with his mother and sister. I don’t know anything else”

“Jesus…” I whispered…he must have really loved you.

“I don’t think that it was ever love on his part” Brian spoke sadly…a creased frown upon his face. “It was more fascination…because I was the first one to make him a man. But that’s all in the past now. I’m back on track and where I should be” he smiled over at me…his hand still upon my face as I turned my head slightly and kissed his palm.

“Brian…” I broke the silence that had surrounded us as we allowed everything that had been said to sink in. “What about the house? You said that he was living with his mother and sister…but what about my mothers house?” Cold blind fear began to consume me as I thought of all the horrible things that could have happened to the home that I grew up in.

“I guess your mother never told you how far in debt she was with that house did she?” he asked…causing my eyes to nearly bug out of my head as my already cold heart began to freeze even deeper within my chest. “Once everything was signed over to Justin we learned that she was several thousand dollars in debt on back taxes. Justin didn’t have that kind of money…so I made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse. I told him that he could either sign the house over to me…or he could live on the streets. He signed the house over to me without question” Brian laughed…biting his thumbnail. “So don’t worry Mikey…your house is just fine”

“Oh thank you Brian” I screamed at the to of my lungs…crushing him to my chest as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Thank you…thank you…thank you” my squeals only got louder as I kissed his cheek over and over again. “I don’t care how much it cost me. I will pay you anything to get it back”

“It’s not for sale Mikey” Brian spoke plainly…grabbing onto my biceps as he moved away from me.

“What…but you said that you bought it and…” I stammered…trying like hell to figure out if he was joking or not.

“I did buy it and I live in it” he went on. “It’s my home and has been for the last year now. I won’t lie to you…I had to give it a major overhaul to make it worth my standards” he ginned. “But it’s home now…except for one thing” his words continued as he once again began to bite his thumbnail.

“What?” I asked…hoping and praying that he would give me the answer that I was longing to hear.

“You’re not in it” He whispered and I could see the truth in his eyes.

“Jesus Brian” I cried out…lunging forward as I knocked the two of us off of the couch and onto the floor. He tried to speak…but I was well past the need for listening as I wound my hand through his hair and plastered one hell of a soul-searing kiss upon his grinning lips. I didn’t know what I was doing…or maybe now that I think about it I did…but before I knew it he was shirtless and so was I. I don’t think not once I ever broke the lip lock that I held upon him as my hands explored every nook and cranny of a body they once knew by heart. It was amazing the feel of his skin against mine as the heat of our bodies twined to create an inferno that was well on its way of growing out of control. I was rock hard and ready for everything that he had to offer as one hand began its rugged journey downward…only to stop short at and outcry of disgust and upset. “Michael…”

“Bret…” I cried out in complete and utter shock as I looked up and found my newest best friend standing before me with eyes flashing full of danger.

“I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life…but it seems that I am to late” he accused…gesturing between Brian and I as we continued to lay intertwined on the living room floor. “Jesus Michael…are you really ready to give everything up because of him” he spat out as we fumbled for our shirts in order to make ourselves more presentable.

“I’m not giving anything up” I demanded…looking from Bret and over to Brian. He tried to hide it but I saw it…it was a look up upset and betrayal…but as quickly as I saw it…it was gone. It was then at the very moment that I realized that Brian may have changed as a whole…but there was still that one part of him that would never change. There was a look of determination that quickly replaced what I had seen and I knew that I was in for one hell of a strange night.

“I think that we need to leave before something happens here that we don’t want to happen” Bret rushed out…taking me by the hand as he attempted to drag me up the staircase.

“What the hell are you doing?” I heard Brian cry out…quickly grabbing onto my other hand as he too began to tug me in his direction. Back and forth this tug of war went on between the two of them…until I had had enough and jerked myself away from them both.

“What the fuck is wrong with the two of you?” I screamed out in anger as I rubbed my smarting arms. “Jesus Christ do I look like a tug of war rope?” My screaming continued as I moved away from both of them. I didn’t know what to think about what was happening. I mean…on one hand I was ecstatic that Brian and I had finally broken through our barriers and seemed to be well on our way to moving further then ever before. However…on the other hand I knew that Bret was right…that being with Brian could possibly destroy everything I had worked so hard on. “Bret…what the hell are you doing here?” I asked…trying not to sound upset…but failing miserably. He didn’t say anything for what felt like a long time as he just stared at me with eyes full of something I had never seen before. “Bret??”

“Oh Christ isn’t it obvious” Brian blurted out…shoving his hands into his shorts pocket in clear irritation. “He’s in love with you and he came over here to prevent anything from happening between the two of us”

I had to laugh…I tried to control it was I just couldn’t help it. Those words seemed silly and unclear as I turned away for a moment to compose myself before turning back to face them. “That’s crazy” I laughed freely…despite my efforts to control it once again. “Bret’s not in love with me. We’re just friends…right Bret?” I laughed even harder…only to cut it to a halt as Bret found a fascination with the floor at his feet. “Right Bret?” I repeated…a bit tersely because if Brian’s words were true then that blew the whole friends and lovers aspect of our relationship. “I need to sit down” I fell into the chair behind me with a thud as I tried to comprehend why it was that I hadn’t noticed any of this before.

“He’s right you know” I heard Bret finally speak as I looked up at him. “I’ve tried to deny it…tried to forget it…but I can’t. We work well together. We are the perfect match…the perfect team despite what anyone else thinks” he growled through clenched teeth as he looked over at a stunned Brian. “I love you Michael” he spoke softly…walking over to where I continued to sit stupefied. “I want to be more then just your friend and business partner. I want to be your partner in life…only the two of us…if you’ll let me” I didn’t say anything as he swallowed my unmoving hands into his own…didn’t put up any fight as he leaned forward and kissed my stunned lips. All I knew was that when I opened my eyes and looked around Brian was gone and I knew that I had fucked everything up once again.

“I need to think” I rushed out…jerking my hand out of his as I literally raced out the patio doors…heading for the only place where I could clear my head. I must have walked for an hour as I tried to digest everything that had been said and that had happened in the short span of a few days. My mind was a complete and utter mess as I walked along the pebbled beach…but my heart was completely clear. I knew whom I wanted to be with…knew who I needed to be with and come hell or high water I was going to be with that man. Racing back I strode into the living room and found it devoid of its former occupants. “Bret…” I called out…searching near frantically for the man whose heart I was about to break. The ringing of my cell phone halted the search as I picked it up and brought it to my dear. “Hello” I spoke into the mouth piece…already knowing who it was before he spoke.

“Don’t bother looking for me since as you know I am not there. I knew the moment that you walked out on me that your mind was already made up. Thank you for pretending that you at least had to think about it”

“Bret…” I tried to speak but he cut me off before I could continue.

“Don’t…don’t try to make it better Michael” he sounded so sad…that it brought tears to my eyes. “I made you an offer…but it seems that I was to late…that you were offered a better one. I think that for right now it is better for us to shelve “Rage” at least for a little bit. Don’t worry Michael…it will only be a few weeks or so. I think that I am going to take a trip to France…soak in the culture and try to forget about you. I’ll give you a call when I get back” and before I had a chance to say a word the line went dead and he was gone. I thought about calling him back…but I knew what was the point as I tossed my cell phone aside and raced up the stairs.

“Brian…” I called out…running for his closed bedroom door. It was as if he knew that I was coming as he opened the door…arms spread wide open as I flew right into them. “Oh god Brian” I cried out…littering his face with too many to count butterfly kisses. “I love you” The words sprang from my lips…but I didn’t care anymore because I wanted him to hear them. “I love you so much” I continued with my exuberance as playful butterfly kisses turned into something more needful…more explosive. Within seconds we were nude and wrestling for dominance on the over sized bed in his room. I already knew who was going to win…but it wasn’t going to be because I was the weaker of the two…but because I wanted to finally get what I had been after from the moment that I had laid eyes on him. “Make love to me Brian” I cried out as I tried to control the emotional level of that very moment.

“Mikey?” Brian whispered in hesitation as he pulled away from me…looking down into my tear filled eyes. “Mikey…what’s wrong?” he asked so sweetly that he only served to set the waterworks flowing even harder.

“Nothing…everything…I don’t know” I sobbed…clinging to him as if for dear life. “It’s just that being with you like this is a dream come true and I am so happy…but at the same time I am scared out of my fucking mind” My words were truthful and as he looked down a me with eyes as misty as mine…I knew that he was basically feeling the same things as I was. “I love you Brian. Jesus…I’ve never stopped no matter how much I tried to deny it…but what happens after this? Where do we go from here? Are you going to expect me to just give up my life and move back to the Pitt’s with you? Or would you even consider moving to California to be with me?” my questions went on in a never-ending barrage that soon ruined the whole mood.

“I don’t know what you want me to say” he replied sadly…pulling away from me as he laid against the headboard of the bed. I watched as he pinched the bridge of his nose…once again informing me of his frustration level. “Jesus Michael…I don’t know” his words came out loud and discouraged. “I want to ask you to give it all up for me. I want you to come back to the Pitt’s and start a new life with me…but I would never do that to you. As for me moving to California to be with you…I would do it in a second…but I can’t. As I told you that first night…I am not that same asshole from before. I’ve involved myself in our children’s lives and I would never lose that for anything…even you. It kills me to be away from them right now as it is. I love you so much Mikey…but it seems that maybe our lives are just to different now to become one” Tears littered both of our faces as we gravitated once again into each other’s arms. I didn’t know what was going to happen between the two of us…but what I did know was that at that very moment we were going to make love and then we would deal with the rest later.

Our mouths fused together in needful abandon that soon had us panting and air starved in a matter of minutes. My hands not once stayed idol as I examined every expanse of skin laid out before me. My lips tortured and teased that supple skin that it had longed to taste of for more years then I cared to remember. My goal was to bring him the ultimate in pleasure for our first and possible last night of lovemaking. I could feel his outright need…his primal urge as he decided to forgo my exploration…flipping me onto my back before latching his lips upon my own once again. His eyes looked so lost…so exposed as once he broke his lip lock he stared down at me. “Brian…” I whispered…afraid to speak much louder for fear of shattering our tender moment.

“I just want you to know that I love you” he spoke so softly…but I didn’t need to hear the words for the truth in his eyes said it all. “I love you so much Michael Novotny and I always will” Before I have a chance to speak he once again kissed me with an all fired frenzy that left no doubt as to what was about to happen next. “Do you have anything?” he panted…sitting up as he straddled my waist.

“You…you didn’t bring anything?” I asked in full astonishment.

“No…I didn’t bring anything Mikey” he answered my question with a look of what appeared to be hurt upon his rugged and handsome face. “I told you that I came here to get you back into my life. I didn’t come here just to fuck you” I could hear the edge in his voice as he tried to remove himself from the bed…but there was no way that I was letting that happen.

“Fuck…I love you” I cried out…jumping him from behind as I literally threw him onto his back…pinning him under me instead. “I love you so much Brian…so fucking much” I kept repeating as I kissed him after each and every word. “Stay here…don’t move” I whispered briskly…kissing him one last time before racing into my bedroom in search of the necessary items. Finding my stash I raced back into the room…flying in the air as I jumped upon the bed where he continued to lay. “I on the other hand hoped that you were going to fuck me” I chuckled through my embarrassment as I opened the box and allowed the contents to flutter across his chest. “And I hope that I didn’t mess up my chances”

“No…no you didn’t mess up your chances” he chuckled himself…taking my hand into his own as he lowered it upon his fully engorged dick. “I may not have planned on fucking you Mikey…but I sure as hell hoped” I couldn’t help but smile as I gathered his beautiful and plump dick within my grasp…causing him to cry out in pleasure. “Mikey…” he drawled out as I slide off of his body…contorting my own body until my mouth was mere inches from his ramming rod. I didn’t want to play any more games as I leaned forward and covered it with my lips. His cries only got louder as I set a motion that I knew would bring him the most pleasure possible. I was so into my oral ways that I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt the heat of his hand cup my own precious jewels. He hand fucked me as I mouth fucked him…harder…faster…until we were both riding along the crest of eruption. “Mikey…I need to fuck you” I heard him cry out in utter agony…and who was I to deny him what I needed as well. Jumping up…I searched frantically for one of the tiny packages…finding one as I ripped it open…placed it upon his cock before straddling above it.

“Ready?” I rushed out…ready to give him the ride of his life.

“Ready…” was his earnest reply as he seized his dick from out of my hand…placing it at my entrance. I watched him sit up…placing him hands upon my waist as I slide slowly down his lovemaking tool. Till this day I still cannot explain the feeling of having Brian deep inside me. It was a combination of longing…wanting…dreaming and receiving as together we began to set a motion that was not only mind numbing but explosive as well. For the first time in what felt like forever…I felt whole. I felt as if we were two parts of the same whole…felt as if our souls had melted together as one. I didn’t know where he began and where I ended as with each thrust we came closer to extreme delirium. Sweat drenched our bodies as we clung to each other…mouths meshed as with a few final plunges the dam gave way as he both climaxed together. Afterwards we just lay there…wrapped in each other’s arms as we tried to come to terms with what had happened and what the aftermath would be. No words were spoken…but none were needed for we both knew what was to come next and neither of us was in a rush to see it happen.

We left the next morning as we headed back to the place where it all started. We made love that night in my bed…slow and passionate love for there was no need to rush it. I knew that our time together was coming to an end and he confirmed my fears later that night as we lay in each other’s arms. “I have to leave tomorrow” he spoke sadly…turning to face me with an equally sad look upon his face. “Ted…he called tonight to tell me that some of my clients are getting restless because I haven’t been around”

I couldn’t say anything…could only nod as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tauntly against his body…before making glorious love to me once again. I didn’t sleep a wink that night as I tried to figure out how the hell I could just let my one great love disappear from my life once again. He slept that night…but it was anything but restful as he tossed and turned the entire time. During the middle of the night I slipped away…because I just needed to be alone. I was dying to talk to Bret…but he wasn’t speaking to me and lord knew if he ever would again. Forcing such thoughts aside…I went to the one place that always seemed to clear my head.

I don’t know how long I sat on the beach…but before I knew it the sun was up and I had finally made my decision. Tears littered my cheeks as I hugged my knees to my chest…cursing the high heavens for allowing me the tiniest taste of what I had always wanted…only to take him away from me so cruelly. It was there hours later that Brian found me…still huddled upon the beach…still angry as my heart continued to become just a shadow of itself. “When do you leave?” I asked…wiping my eyes as I stared off into the crashing waves before me…breaking the beautiful morning silence.

“In two hours” he responded as he sat down behind me…laying his legs even with my own as he pulled me against his chest. We didn’t say anything for a long time as we continued to take in the beauty laid out before us. “I hate this…” he finally broke the silence…pushing me forward as he got up and strode off. “I hate this so fucking much” he cried out a minute later as he stood at the shoreline…refusing to look at me. “It’s not fair” his cries continued…hanging his head as he found a fascination with his feet. “I finally have you back in my life and now I have to lose you again” I could hear the pain in his voice…could see the tears as they coursed down his face. I was at his side instantly as I allowed him to engulf me within his arms…the two of us sharing our heartbreak and pain. “I don’t want you to come to the airport with me” He spoke against my ear…forcing me to take a step back in shock. “I just can’t deal with you not coming on that plane with me. Please Mikey…just understand” he begged…tears once again sliding down his face as he held his arms out towards me. I fell into them without hesitation…as together we cried of all that we had found and all that we were about to lose.

Before I knew it out time together had come to an end. We said our tearful goodbyes on the porch where it all began just over a week prior. I was dying to go with him…dying to give up my new life and fall back into my old one as long as it meant we were together…but I couldn’t. I did go to the airport though…hiding behind a pillar as he checked in. I knew that he didn’t want me there…but I just couldn’t let him leave and waste those last few sight filled minutes. He knew that I was there…of course he knew as he turned to face the pillar I was hiding behind…throwing a small wave my way before turning back and disappearing from sight. I stood there until the plane pulled off…leaving me alone and near falling apart as I turned and walked back to my car. I fell apart the minute that I entered my empty home…not bothering to even try to make it upstairs. It was at that very spot…in the middle of my entranceway that Bret found me a few hours later.

I didn’t fight him as he picked me up off the floor…guiding me to my room where I had slept with Brian the previous night. I didn’t even try to fight him as he laid me across the bed…lying down beside me as he held me within his arms. He was silent as well as I literally fell apart in those same arms that had held me together on several occasions before. I found out much later that he hadn’t gone to France…only back to his home where he licked his gaping wounds. He told me that he still loved me…but that he knew that I didn’t feel the same as he did. He vowed to stand beside me no matter what and that our creative collaborations were still very much on schedule. I couldn’t have loved Bret anymore then I did at the very moment. He had proven to me once and again that it was possible to be lovers and friends…as long as you could deal with everything that came along with it.

I learned to pull myself together somewhat after Brian left. I did what I had to do to ensure that I didn’t let anyone down…but my heart and my soul were never truly in it. No…they were in a place called Liberty Avenue…with a man who would forever own them no matter what. It had been months since Brian had left…but it could have been years for all I cared because I was miserably. We talked on the phone…we E-mailed each other…but nothing came close to feeling him close beside me. Six months after he left I finally lost what was left of my sanity. I was so depressed that nothing nor no one could pull me out of my funk. I was missing Brian…my family…everyone so much that I could barely breath and because of it I landed myself in the hospital. They said that it was stress and anxiety…but what do doctors know. I was there because my heart was broken and couldn’t stand to be away from the one whom we both loved a minute longer. By the time I was discharged I had a plan and it may have been a simple plan…but it was one that I would be putting into action right away.

“I’m leaving tomorrow” I repeated the same words Brian had said to me six months earlier as we laid in bed…but instead these words were meant only for Bret.

“I know…” was his simply response as we sped down the highway. “I was actually expecting it much sooner then this…but what about everything that you have here?” he asked…glancing at me out of the corner of his eye before bringing it back to the hellish traffic spread out before us. “Your home…your job…your friends”

“None of that matters to me anymore” I blurted out…hating the way that he flinched at my outburst. “Except for you Bret…” I assured…laying my hand upon his arm. “I will always be grateful for everything you have taught me…for giving me this wonderful opportunity…but you know that he means more to me then anything…anyone”

“I still don’t know what this man has over you…but whatever it is I hope that it is worth it” he replied with a forced smile…but it was enough for me. I knew that Bret and I would never be as close as we once were…but I also knew that no matter what he would always be such an important part of my life. By the end of the day I had my plane reservations made…had said goodbye to everyone that meant anything to me and had hired someone to close up my house. I had decided that I would keep the house and make it into what I hoped would be our summer home. It would be a place that Brian…the family and myself could come to visit yearly during summer breaks and such. That last evening was spent with Hunter as I broke the new that his father was leaving him. He was more then a little angry with me…but after a tearful explanation of how I was falling apart…his anger soon relented. Promises were made as painful tears of goodbye were shed. We vowed to keep in touch with each other without fail and that bi-annual trips on either part were a must. I hated leaving him…but I knew that I had completed my job as a parent as I took in his happy surroundings. “I love you dad” he whispered against my ear as I clung to him as if for dear life before leaving. “I love you so much and I want to thank you for making me the man that I am today”

“I love you too son” I spoke with such love and devotion as I crushed him to my bosom. “And I am so proud of you. I always have been” I bid the love of his life goodbye and left in order to get my self ready for my flight back into the man that I loved arms.

The flight back home was excruciatingly long as I fidgeted nervously the entire flight. I had developed an easy candor with one of the flight attendants who seemed to sense my agitation. “Loved one waiting for you at home?” she asked…flashing me a pearly white smile as he handed me the cocktail I had ordered.

“Yeah…I’m dying to get home to see him” I responded with my own smile…my cheeks flushing a deep red. “He doesn’t even know that I am coming home. I wanted it to be a surprise” I giggled like a schoolgirl as I opened up my wallet and showed her the many photos of Brian and myself. I figured that I was boring her…but before I knew it I had a gaggle of flight attendants oohing and awing over those same pictures as well as the ones of my family.

“You are one lucky guy” that same flight attendant beamed at me. “Your boyfriend has got to be one of the most good looking men I have ever seen”

“Don’t I know it” I replied as I traced the picture of my love tenderly with my finger. “Don’t I know it” Within two hours my plane had landed…I had located my suitcases…rented a car and was on my way back home. I was dying to see Brian…but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise as I dialed his cell phone…praying the I could get some information out of him without alerting him to where I was at and what my plans were.

“Hi Mikey…” he answered after the first ring…setting my heart into severe palpitations.

“Hey Brian…” I replied with a smile as I continued to drive down the Pennsylvania turnpike. “I miss you…” my words went on…my body dying to be held by him once again.

“Mikey…what’s wrong?” he asked and I could hear the concern in his voice…which of course only made me love him even more. “You never call me in the middle of the day like this. Where are you?? In your car?? Are you not feeling well again?” his questions belted out at me…but all I could do was smile and it was all due to the fact that he was truly concerned about me.

“Nothings wrong. I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice” I replied in half-truths…leaving out certain parts as to why I was truly calling him. “Yes I am in my car fighting traffic from hell I might add” I laughed…trying to lesson his burden of fear.   
And no baby…I am feeling perfectly fine…perfectly wonderful in fact”

“Are you sure?” he asked suspiciously…but after my last visit to the hospital I really couldn’t blame him. I didn’t tell him a word about it until days later and then I had to fight with him to ensure that he wasn’t on the first flight out to California to take care of me. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want him to come to me…but at that time he was trying to reel in a new client and I didn’t want to ruin his chances.

“Yes baby…I’m sure” I soothed…grinning from ear to ear because I knew he loved it when I called him baby.

“I love it when you call me baby” he confirmed what I already knew and I could hear the smile in his voice as he said it.

“So what are you plans tonight…baby” I drawled out…turning off of the turnpike and onto an old familiar road.

“I have a meeting a six…then I thought I might pick up some Chinese takeout before going home and talking to my sexy lover on the phone” he teased…as I once again heard the smile in his voice.

“Just make sure that you are off the phone with him in enough time to talk to me” I laughed…trying like hell to control my giddy ways…because there would be more then talking going on between us that night.

“I wish that you were here right now” I heard him speak wistfully…my love for him doubling nearly in size.

“I may be with you sooner then you think” I replied cryptically…literally beaming from ear to ear once again. So much so that my face was aching from it.

“You thinking about coming home to visit?” he asked and I could hear the hope in that very question.

“Maybe sooner then you think” I giggled…mentally yelling at myself for almost giving my secret away.

“Just say the word Mikey and I will push everything else aside for when you come” I knew he hadn’t picked up on my blunder and despite the fact that I hated to let him go…I knew that I had to or risk messing up everything.

“Brian…I have to let you go. I’m at the studio…but I will talk to you later tonight. So what time did you say that you would be home again?” I asked…looking out the window as I took in the sights and sounds of my old haunts.

“I should be home about seven” he assured. “I will talk to you then. Oh and Mikey…I love you”

“I love you too Brian” I returned…closing my eyes as I allowed it to truly sink in…because I could never get tired of hearing it. “And I’ll see you soon” I spoke to the dead line as I closed up the phone…placing it in my pocket as I exited the car.

The rest of the afternoon was spent visiting old friends and loved ones. The first on the list was Emmett and Teddy…whom had become an old married couple since my previous visits. Teddy was at work…so it gave me time to dish with my former roommate Emmett alone. It was so nice to be with him once again as he filled me in on the ins and outs of Liberty Avenue. Hours later…after swearing him to secrecy…I headed over to the Mel and Linds place. It was a glorious reunion as I saw my daughter and Gus for the first time in what felt like forever. She was in my arms the moment that she laid eyes on me and put up one hell of a fight when it was time for me to leave. I vowed to the two of them that I was never leaving again and that from then on I would forever be a substantial part of their lives. They were excited beyond belief to hear my words…but were literally bouncing off of the walls when they learned that Brian and I had finally admitted our love to each other.

I was beside myself with complete and utter happiness as I drove down the narrow streets of my youth. I couldn’t believe that it was possible to feel as full of love and warmth as I did at the time…but I knew that it would be triple that once I was back within the arms that I literally ached for. If not for growing up there and knowing my neighborhood like the back of my hand…I would have driven right past my former childhood home. He wasn’t lying when he said that he had converted the old building into something that was fitting of him and his tastes. It looked gleaming and new compared to the houses around it…and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud because it was so Brian. Letting myself in through the front gate…I walked along the driveway…perching myself upon the porch as I awaited his return.

I didn’t have to wait long before his car pulled up into the driveway at exactly ten minutes till seven. He still hadn’t seem me as he exited the car…pulling a small bag of take out food and some dry cleaning out of the back seat before making his way towards me. He had his cell phone pressed to his ear as he barked orders to what I assumed to be Cynthia or Ted. “I don’t care that you thought it was rude of me to leave the meeting early Schmidt” he continued with his irritated words…stopping halfway up the walk…still not looking towards me. “That’s what I pay you the big bucks for. So do what you have to do and…” his words cut short as he finally looked up and caught sight of me. “OMG…Mikey” he cried out…all thoughts of Ted or anything else forgotten as he dropped everything and raced into my waiting arms. “Holy shit…Mikey” he moaned against my ear as he crushed me forcefully against my body. “What are you doing here?” His words continued…but I couldn’t speak due to the large lump lodged within my throat.

His hands were all over my face and shoulders as if to ensure that I was truly standing before him. “Here…forever” I managed to mutter…grabbing fistfuls of the back of his shirt as so he would not let me go. Nothing felt as perfect as that very moment as we just stood there wrapped in each other’s arms. I knew that I would never leave his side again…knew that what was once Mikey’s grand adventure was over because I was where I was supposed to be. “You’re really here” I heard him murmur against my ear and I could hear the tears of happiness there as well. “You’re never leaving me again…really?” It was a question that had only one real answer.

“I love you Brian and I will never leave you again…never” Within seconds his mouth was devouring my own and who was I to fight him. My life had come full circle in those two years that I had been gone…but it was a journey that for better or worse I had to take. It was as if the Michael of my former life had died and in it’s place I had renewed into the man that I am today. I am happy with my life and more in love with the man that I took as my husband not more then a few months after I returned to my former home. We are happy…we are in love and looking forward to whatever life had planned out for us in the future…because we can get through anything as long as we are together.

The End…


End file.
